This was written post-Sexico to Danielle.  Obviously, it didn’t work.

Let me start this by saying that you continue to show me love and affection.  This area between us has improved a lot.  You send me texts more and show me you love me in many ways.  I appreciate it so much, because affection means a lot to me.  Our mental bond as husband/wife is everything I wanted in a partner.  You’re the most fun to be around than anyone I know and I wouldn’t want to give up what we have for anything in the world.   In my goal to continue to strengthen us, I’m wondering what we can do about our sex/intimacy issues because I’m starting to feel frustration and I want to address it before it goes any further.  You have to remember that at the beginning of therapy you basically said things like;  I don’t know if I love you anymore.  I don’t desire you or want to have sex with you.  I think we should separate.  Things like this can’t be unsaid and has left an insecurity in me that sparks up when I’m feeling that you’re not in it physically as much as I am.  

Before we left for Mexico, it was a good six weeks since we had sex and the thoughts were that we’d be intimate in Mexico.  Then it was great in Mexico and then when we got back, there has been no initiation or desire to have sex or initiate on your part for any aspect of sex for the past 5 weeks.  So in essence, we’ve had sex twice in the past three months.    I don’t know how we fix this or if there’s anything to fix.  Maybe this is just the way you’re built, but I don’t think it is because our sex, our good sex, where it’s not just you are giving me a hand, happens mostly on vacation.  Now why is this?  Probably because you feel a ton less stress and you can let go.  So how do we have this in our regular mundane existence?  How do we have this when you’re stressing about work, your mom, your health, Emily, and life?  This is like a broken record.  Life gets busy, your bandwidth lessens, and I come behind all of those.  Wash. Rinse. Repeat

To be honest, it probably doesn’t get better from here.  Your mom’s going to get worse.  Work isn’t going away anytime soon.  Emily isn’t going away.  Our health and feeling good is going to slowly go downhill. Hell, I’m about to have surgery and I really don’t think our sex life is going to be amazing while I’m in that stupid harness thing.   And vacations are too few and far between.  I don’t want to just have sex 8 times a year which is what our current ratio is over the past 3 months.  I want to have more.  I want to have that passion of sexual energy.  I know it’s probably not going to go back to the beginning of when we were rabbits, but I want some of that.  I want to feel like we’re more than just mental partners, but physical partners as well.  I want you to want to have sex because when we do,  you enjoy it.   Sex to me is one of the few good things in this world where we can just be in the moment and enjoy the physicality of someone else’s body and mind.  This is what I feel when we have good consensual sex.  When it’s both of us who want to do it and damn the rest of life for twenty minutes.  I feel so good and confident and desired after consensual sex that it’s a rush that’s hard to let go of.   which is why I feel the need to write this.   It’s hard to be the one to be the one to almost always initiate.  I don’t need 50/50, but maybe 70/30?  Yes, we have different love languages and all that.  Yes, your energy is put into a lot of other things like Emily, your mom, work.  But I think there’s a more equitable situation.  I see the energy and joy you have with Emily, can you transfer some of that energy and joy into our sex life?     

So what are the solutions? 

I know it’s hard for you to get in the mood, but I believe it’s easier to just dismiss intimacy when you’re not 100% into it.  Why not try to get in the mood?  Maybe 20% is enough for you to try.  Sex is fun, so maybe as you let yourself go, it may get you going.  Maybe not and then we can stop if you’re not feeling it.  I’m not always in the mood…. Okay maybe I am.  But maybe you can just try for a little bit.  I’d rather you try and get me going then not try at all.  I’m not always in the mood to go to your mom’s house, or run errands for you, or get you coffee in the morning, but I do it because I know it makes you happy and your happiness makes me happy.  In fact, it turns me on.

More spontaneous things would help a lot.  Making me feel like you still want me (even if you’re not physically in the mood) would do a lot.  This entails you coming up behind me and hugging me out of the blue.  Grabbing my ass.  Kissing my neck.  Telling me how hot I am.  Initiating a kiss.  Making out with me.  Taking me in the shower with you.  Most of the time I don’t feel desired by you and I get it.  You’re busy and a lot of my sexual/intimacy desires are at the bottom of your priorities between Emily, your mom, work, health, etc… I want to feel at the top of that pole sexually.  Yes, that pun was intended.  

Non Monogomy.  To be honest, it’s hard for me to do this.  The time and energy it takes to be a married man and do this is too much bandwidth for me.  I love to be with you and sex with you is much better for me than with anyone else.  I could give 10% to someone else at this time, but it pales in comparison about what I give to you and it is not a worthwhile option for me.    

Maybe use gummies or alcohol or set things up more to loosen yourself up.  Maybe other drugs? 

I don’t want to do this, but maybe we can plan some kind of sexual activity once every two weeks where we put ourselves in a situation where it’s more likely we’ll be intimate.

Some kind of counseling for you or for both of us to specifically address the sexual aspect of our relationship?  Maybe a workshop or two?

Since you seem to be more relaxed and willing to be intimate on vacation, maybe you and I go away for a night a month/month and a half?  Doesn’t have to be far or anything.  But maybe just separating from life for a day together would be good for your mental health.  Great way to connect for us.  I will book it. If being away is a greater chance for us to connect.

Okay, I’ve written enough.  The bottom line is that I want you.  But I also want you to want me.  It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it also has to be more often, but more importantly, more meaningful than it is.  I love when you give me a hand job.  I love when you give me a blow job.  But when it feels like you’re doing it just to satiate me, it doesn’t feel good.   Let me rephrase that.  It still feels good, really good.  Really really good.  I just want it to feel better and I want you to enjoy yourself as well.

Love Always,

Me