CHAPTER 21A: STILL ACTING A LITTLE CRAZY

There’s even more crazy.  For the first time in our relationship, Danielle reminded me of her mother, Vianne.  Vianne is borderline.  Borderline awesome.  Borderline eccentric.  Borderline crazy.  All at the same time.  She’s the type of person who is great during a crisis but will spend days deciding what to serve at a dinner party.  She is self-absorbed but will give herself over completely to Emily.  She’s the screaming child that the parent buys an ice cream for in order to keep satiated while the well-behaved kid gets shit.  She comes off as being confident, but it’s all an illusion and she is the most insecure person that I have ever met.  She exudes crazy and constantly brings Danielle into her crazy, which has impacted our marriage and Danielle’s sanity at various times.  Vianne always has plans to do this and plans to do that and her plans hardly ever come to fruition.  Vianne retired at 58 as a private school teacher but throughout her life has been able to latch on to wealthier men to help supplement her lifestyle.  I don’t know how she did it, but with her last two marriages, she was able to, as Blanche Dubois said, “rely on the kindness of strangers.”  Vianne has an insecurity and such a desire to fit in yet at the same time, will boast about her independence which is just not true.  It may have been true when she was younger, but ever since I’ve known her, she’s been the way I described.  I know that I have written mostly negative things about Vianne, but I love her.  What is most interesting to me,  is that Vianne and I are more alike than Danielle and her are.  By a lot.   I believe that I have a good relationship with Vianne but I see how her frenetic energy and lifestyle has impacted Danielle.  Danielle grew up with her mom going from man to man and husband to husband (3 times married).  Now, I don’t think this turned Danielle gay, but it did cause Danielle emotional damage that still impacts her.  It impacts her and in turn impacts me and definitely took a toll on our marriage.  I love you, Vianne, but at times you need to realize the impact that you had on Danielle and our family.  But Danielle hasn’t been innocent in all this.  She has to stand up to her mom and this is years in the making.  She has enabled her mom to act like the petulant person she is.  However, at this point with Vianne at 85, it probably isn’t worth it anyway.  Danielle will have to work this out in therapy someday when she finally decided individual therapy is right for her*.   Danielle has gotten better at standing up to her mom, she still needs to hit the therapist… soon.  I saw the many sides of Vianne come out of Danielle at Emily’s birthday party.

Emily’s original birthday party was going to be a day at Knott’s Berry Farm with her two best friends and then we’d spend the night at a hotel and hit Soak City the next day.  That was before Emily tore her meniscus at a Bat-Mitzvah.  So those plans delayed, we made it a sleepover with the two friends and included an escape room and movie night at home.  Not Knott’s, but fine for a girl who can’t walk very well.  

Danielle had this Viannesque frenetic energy thing going on from the beginning of the day.  It seemed like she wanted this birthday to be kind of a make up for her breaking up of the family before her planned date and she wanted this day to be super special for Emily.  Give Emily a fun time and at the same time alleviate some of her own guilt.  Danielle wanted everything perfect and kept on saying that, “she just wants to make Emily’s birthday okay.”  I was slightly incredulous because this was all Danielle’s own doing.   Danielle could have waited those three weeks, but she couldn’t, and she didn’t.  I was thinking that she made her fucking bed, so lie in it.  Needless to say, I had very little sympathy for her and my pissy meter was at a 9/10 to begin with.  It hit 10/10 when she started complaining about the cat-scratched furniture in our house.**

WHAT ERIC THOUGHT: You’re worried about some slightly scratched furniture when you have fucking blown up our marriage.  You’re worried about the status of the couch and how the kitchen looks when the whole fucking castle around us is falling apart.

WHAT ERIC SAID: Danielle, a couple of 13 year-olds are coming over for a sleepover and they don’t care about our slightly cat-scratched furniture.

WHAT DANIELLE SAID: You know how I am.  

WHAT ERIC SAID: I know.  But don’t worry about the furniture, I’ll be taking that cat with me when I’m forced to move out of my home. 

WHAT DANIELLE SAID: Don’t you ruin Emily’s birthday.  Not today.  Don’t do this today. 

WHAT ERIC SAID: You want me to be nice and happy and awesome, but maybe should have kept the lie going for another month until after my brother’s wedding, Emily’s birthday, and Father’s Day are past???  But you couldn’t wait?  You’re worried about the damn cat scratched furniture and how nice our house looks for thirteen year-olds when you’re initiating a divorce?  You could have and you should have waited.  You’re putting your daughter through a big change before her birthday and you could have waited to tell her too.  You should have kept your big secret another month, but you made this about you and not the family.   

Danielle went into the garage and started crying. 

This is when I saw her Vianne in her. 

WHAT DANIELLE SAID: Not today!  Not today!  Not on Emily’s birthday!  Not today!

Danielle broke down, sobbing. 

I saw Danielle in pain.  That she didn’t do this out of anger.  She was going through an extremely hard time herself and wouldn’t have made such a huge and painful decision unless she really had to.  She wanted to keep something she loved, but had to do this selfish but necessary act for herself.  Being selfish is not necessarily a bad thing when it’s done for something like this.  What’s the alternative?  A mixed orientation marriage?  Living a lie?  Polyamory?   No.  This isn’t the answer either.  Her coming out is the answer.  She loves me and she loves Emily and she loves our life.  But coming out was worth the risk to her and it’s what I’d want her to do and I’m proud that she did it, even though it hurts like a motherfucker.  I did the only thing I could have.

Eric held Danielle.

WHAT ERIC SAID: It’s okay.  It’s okay.  

*Yeah, she’s still not in individual therapy because she “hasn’t found the right one”.  Maybe if you break up a marriage and ruin someone else’s life you should be required to attend regular individual therapy?

**Our cat Cleocatra is intelligent and spiteful.  She takes it out on our furniture.