So there I was, holding back my affection in order to not put pressure on Danielle.  I had to consciously not show I loved Danielle physically or mentally which would supposedly (according to Dr. Dick) allow Danielle more room to display her affection to me since the pressure would be off.  I guess that makes sense.  Not to me, because I like holding hands, massaging, and even coming up behind the person I love and kiss them on the back of the neck maybe while they’re making dinner.  But this and other types of affection were a no-no.  If this were the preface again, I would preface the preface again by saying that Danielle is an amazing mom.   Out of all of this, to have created a human being like Emily is well worth all the pain and hurt I’m feeling right now.  I would go through Covid again to save this marriage, but I wouldn’t give up Emily for anything and neither would Danielle.  But I have to admit something.  Something that I don’t like.  I was jealous of Emily.  Jealous because while I was holding back affection because of doctor’s orders, Danielle was showering tons and tons of affection on our daughter and it pissed me off because I wasn’t getting enough from the love of my life.  I don’t need sex with Danielle all the time to make things work, but I would need some kind of sexual intimacy and some assurances, such as out of nowhere kissing me or being loving to me when I’m not upset.  Ultimately, I just want to be happy at the end of the day

The energy that she’s using to keep me away seems disproportionate to the amount of affection that I’m actually giving.  My response to myself in my notes was as follows;

Because that’s not who you are and that’s fine.  I just don’t understand it because that’s not my nature.  My nature is when I see you standing there looking good in jeans, is to go up behind you and flirt a little because I’m attracted to you.  Isn’t that what you want?  Sometimes spontaneous stuff?  

I would think most people would want affection like this.  I would think that most women would jump on the chance to have a husband desire them.  But apparently to Dr. Dick and Danielle, it was too much too fast too bad Eric.  My wife eventually became gay.  How did my lack or abundance of affection impact this ultimately!?  The answer is that it didn’t.  The amount of affection did not matter.  It did not turn Danielle gay so I have one thing to say to Dr. Dick.   Suck it, Dr. Dick.  Suck it hard.   Personally, I didn’t see this as a problem which led me to these observations.  

THIS FEELS LIKE A MANUFACTURED PROBLEM AND A PROBLEM THAT CAN’T REALLY BE FIXED OR NEED TO BE FIXED.  I AM AN INDIVIDUAL PERSON WITH INDIVIDUAL IDEAS AND I’M SORRY IF I FEEL OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRONG.  I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE FINDING THINGS THAT I WANT TO FIX, BUT I DON’T REALLY FEEL WE NEED TO.  DO I WANT YOU TO BE MORE AFFECTIONETTE? SURE.  BUT I CAN’T CHANGE 40 YEARS OF WHO YOU ARE.  I FEEL LIKE THE PSYCHOLOGIST IS FINDING PROBLEMS FOR US TO HAVE THAT ARE NORMAL PROBLEMS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS A RELATIONSHIP.  I NEVER GET ALONG WITH ANYONE 100 PERCENT OF THE TIME.  SO WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT MY LIFE PARENTER AND I WOULD GET ALONG AND BE ON THE SAME PAGE ALL THE TIME AND I THINK COMPARED TO MOST COUPLES, WE’RE REALLY PRETTY GOOD.

ALSO…

YOU WANT ME TO KNOW HOW MUCH AFFECTION TO GIVE YOU.  WHEN IT’S TOO MUCH, YOU WANT ME TO KNOW.  BUT YOU STILL WANT SOME SO I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU ARE AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT IN TIME.  HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I PUT THOSE SAME DEMANDS ON YOU?  FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH AFFECTION I WANT TO GET WHEN IT’S APPROPRIATE. THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK.  I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE JUST TRY TO BE AWARE, BUT I’M NO PSYCHIC.

In hindsight, I felt like Dr. Dick was finding things to create disharmony between us so we’d continue to come to her and need her services.  There wasn’t really an end plan, just for me to hold back affection and Danielle to not feel the pressure of that affection.  Nothing to do with Danielle’s sexuality.  To this day, I don’t get Dr. Dick’s endgame and I feel like Danielle listened to Dr. Dick too much regarding the affection portion of our relationship.  Danielle was telling me at various times during the relationship when she wasn’t in the mood.  We didn’t have to pay 100 bucks an hour to Dr. Dick to get a refresher.

Here are the primary sexual/romantic issues.

What can Danielle give me physically?

How does she get her libido back (that don’t include her dating other women)?

Is there something physical going on such as hormonal changes?  

Would date nights help? 

More vacations together (since she seemingly always is more romantic when we’re on vacation)?

This is what I would like.  I would want a wife to be intimate once in a while who will make out with me or give me sexual satisfaction (sex, oral sex, hand job) out of the blue.  Who will initiate sometimes.  You didn’t initiate.  Everything else, including you dating other women I can handle if I felt that you were into it, felt attraction to me, or showed me some physicality.  Are you going to leave me when you fall in love with a woman?  That’s my big fear.  If I let you see other women, can you show me the attraction, physicality, or priority?  Are you willing to do that with me? Do you even want to?  Or are we just the dreaded F* word? 

*Friends