As expected, Danielle eventually wanted in on the ENM game.  She wanted to start dating women which seemed like the natural progression of things.  I didn’t want this, but I knew I kind of had to let Danielle explore this side of her.  So like the acquiescing partner I’ve been, I agreed despite my reservations.  My biggest fear was what if she found out that she liked this.  That being with women was the key to her happiness and that she was gay.  I was basically giving her the gateway drug to leave me.  But I’d rather be together and you see other women than not be together.  I have to learn to deal with it even though I don’t want to.   It’s difficult not being on the same page as my partner.   But the alternatives were that she stays with me unhappily or she leaves me anyway.  I had to go down this road even if it caused me anguish.  She went on this app called HER and found Morgan.  Morgan was also married with a straight husband.  You can never know how you’d react in a situation like this and it wasn’t my best moment.  I said she could do it and even offered up the house because I was at work and it made me look like a very understanding husband even if it was killing me inside.  The not knowing and limbo feeling transformed into a scared and cornered feeling.  I remember being at work and hearing the Ring notification go off on my phone.  I couldn’t help going to the camera and seeing Morgan enter our house.  I was crushed.  I was flustered.  I was a rage of insecurity and weakness.  I couldn’t work.  I couldn’t do much of anything except picture the worst possible outcome.  But guess what?  That’s normal.  It’s something new.  Something scary.  There was a threat to the life that I love and I reacted accordingly.  When I got home, I explained how this hurt me and Danielle understood and I told her I’d probably get more used to things after it normalized.   So the next time Morgan came over, it hurt.  A lot.  But it hurt less than the first time.  But to be honest, whenever she’s texting, I get anxious and then mad and then wonder who’s she texting with and then get mad at myself for feeling like this.   

Again, an ENM relationship has to be strong initially to work.  If Danielle and I were strong, I would have handled it better.  But we weren’t so it took longer to adjust.  I adjusted after that and even wanted to meet Morgan and her husband.  I started thinking that being Poly was something we could share.  Where we could even hang out as couples and go to Poly events together.  Danielle was lukewarm about it, but she agreed because it made me feel better.  It also took a lot of the pressure of me finding women to date if we could be Poly and meet like minded couples together.  The pressure of finding out if someone was open to an ENM relationship wouldn’t be there if we’re hanging out with other Poly couples.  I can have that confidence I have with Danielle while meeting other women at the same time.  Yeah, I still just wanted it to be just Danielle and I, but this was an alternative that could be a good fit for both of us.  How could we evolve as a couple if we do this separately and we still have each other to lean on in the journey.  Things were headed that way until Morgan bailed on Danielle and Danielle never tried to date women again while we were together.  Danielle kind of blamed me for this because my insecurity apparently led Morgan to break it off.  But that’s not fair.  You can’t throw this new relationship status on me and expect me to be used to it without any complications.  I need time to adjust that I was not given.  I didn’t want us to have an open relationship, but you did so I deserved more understanding.  If you want a girlfriend that’s fine but i need sexual intimacy as well for this to work i think.  It can’t be equal partnership.  For example, if you were dating Morgan along with me, you can’t make her your number one priority.  I want and have to be your primary partner.  It feels like Danielle was on this vacation discovering new and exciting things to try, while I was left at home, waiting for her to come back.  She knew the path she was on and I didn’t.