When my marriage started to fail, I had no clue it was failing.  I just thought that this is what two people who love each other do in order to improve the marriage.  They go to therapy, learn how to communicate more effectively, and then problem solved.  People say marriage is hard and I never felt that.  Yes, it had challenges, but I (naively) thought that therapy meant we’d solve it.  The guilt stemmed from the belief that it was my fault.  Everything was my fault and I had to fix it in order to get Danielle back to me.   For years you and Dr. Dick were telling me that I was doing something wrong but now that you’re out, why did I have to suffer all these years?  It wasn’t fair.  I would get slammed at therapy.  Whatever I did, wasn’t good enough.  I would be told by Dr. Dick to let Danielle go through her process and just listen.  I was told by Dr. Dick that I was being too affectionate and social when that’s who I was in the beginning and who I was was apparently enough to attract me to you.  I’m angry at you… wait… scratch that.   I’m fucking pissed at you and Dr. Dick for doing this to me and Emily.  When you say things like you’re not sure if you love me or that you don’t know what you want, it makes me feel crappy and resentful.  All of this therapy was seemingly about me supporting you and in turn, I would be drained.  You and Dr. Dick were Dracula and I was Mina Harker.  You both failed me.  This wasn’t good therapy.  This was a bloodletting.

Another problem is that I would feel guilty about everything.  I would feel guilty if I didn’t do enough and I would feel guilty if I did too much.  Too little would make Danielle think I didn’t care enough and too much according to Dr. Dick would pressure Danielle.  Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.   These feelings are not really sustainable, but I sustained for 4 ½ years of therapy, I sustained.  Do I regret it?  No.  But I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself.   Some things I was guilty about.  

WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING TO HAVE A DATE NIGHT 2X A MONTH?

Dr. Dick felt that requesting  this was too much pressure to put on Danielle so it was cut down to 1x a month.

WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING MY WIFE AFFECTION?

This is one that bothers me because Danielle has the ability to say no.  She’s an adult.  Dr. Dick didn’t want me to give too much affection due to the pressure it put on Danielle.  But last I checked, Danielle does have a functional mouth that can produce speech with clarity.  Also, she has the intelligence to produce such phrases as;

“I’m not in the mood”.*

She doesn’t even need to learn any other phrases.  That says it all.  I will stop. I cannot read minds and it’s not like I’m on Danielle 24/7.  I never thought we needed to go to a psychologist for Danielle to learn how to say no to me.  But Danielle had this pressure to not say no for some reason and that’s one thing I will never truly understand because I’ve accepted Danielle saying no in the past and it’s been fine.  I never forced myself and never would force myself on Danielle and when told something like* I would acquiesce.  For Danielle, my giving too much affection was a big deal to her.  This is where alternate love languages may be a problem.