Besides writing way too personal life stories and therapy notes, I like to act.  I was a member of the Bad Puppets Theater Company* and was doing a production of Swollen Feet** at a small theater in Hollywood.  My buddy Dave came to see the show and after the show he told me that him and his girlfriend Natalie wanted to introduce me to someone.  Previously, I got Dave a job doing camp counseling with me at Halutz, which is a Jewish camp that we all affectionately call, “Jew Camp”.   At “Jew Camp” I introduced Dave to Natalie and they hit it off***. Back to the fucking hot and big dicked main protagonist****.  Since I kind of got them together, Natalie and Dave wanted to do the same for me, so after the show Dave was going to take me to meet Natalie’s best friend.  We made a quick stop at Barney’s Beanery on Sunset to have one drink.  It turned into two.  Then three.  And then we had to wait to drive.  The clock turned to nine.  Then ten.  Then eleven.  And when we sobered up, we went to Natalie’s house in Pacific Palisades to meet this mystery girl.  When we arrived, it was around midnight and I felt I wanted to make a good first impression, so I picked her a yellow dandelion from the lawn because when you’re drunk and late, it’s an obvious quick fix*****.  We knocked and there she was.  In her pajamas.  We were really late. They were pissed and the flower didn’t help.  But after more drinks were had and board games were played, the mood improved.  Her name was Wanielle Deintraub****** is my physical type.  I’m a little guy (see Preface) and Danielle… I mean Wanielle…  I mean… Fuck!  Okay, her name’s Danielle Weintraub and she is beautiful.  First of all, she’s shorter than me, has amazing abs, very little body hair, and she has some meat on her hips.  All bonus in this carnivore’s eyes.  However, she was moving to Portland, Oregon in a few months and I just assumed it was going to be something fleeting.  And it was.  If you consider twenty-three years fleeting.   

*The Bad Puppets would take classic plays and bastardize them to make them more audience friendly and raunchy.

**Adaptation of Oedipus Rex.

***To this day, they are a happily married Rabbi (Dave) and Canter (Natalie).  The Jew is strong in that one.

****Ego boost for those who’s egos are in the toilet due to separation.

*****Only to those who are drunk and late.

******Name change to protect the innocent.