Let me preface this preface by saying that my wife is one of the best people I know.  As you will read, you will wonder how this is possible.  How could someone who causes so much pain be the best person that they inflicted the pain to?  Is it insanity?  Is it a desire to be a glutton for punishment?   Is it Stockholm Syndrome?   Am I her slave and she my master who will dole out emotional punishment because I’m a bad bad boy?  It’s all that.  And more.  Let me also preface this preface by saying that I’m really really pissed at her as well.  She initiated our divorce which in turn broke up our family which makes me angry, sad, disappointed and a whole wealth of emotions that I am struggling to deal with.  They say that divorce is the second hardest thing to go through besides death and I would agree.  We just went through two years of Covid-19 and I’d much rather go through those two years of a freaking epidemic and fear of death than have to go through this divorce.  I don’t want to do it.  I feel like a child who is being forced to eat his vegetables at the dinner table, only this meal lasts seven days a week and twenty-four hours a day.  I’m lost.  I’m confused.  But I’m going to be okay… eventually.   During my time before, during, and after couples therapy I kept a journal because that’s what writers do.  We write.  This journal started with notes I would jot down in my I-Phone and then I would bring my I-phone with me to therapy to go over my thoughts.  I did this, because my memory is shit and I wanted answers to questions that I would subsequently forget what the questions were by the next session.  But I kept on accidently erasing my notes on the I-phone when I would push a wrong button*, and still do**.  So to mitigate my lost thoughts, I began bringing my laptop to my individual or couples therapy sessions because I know that if I accidentally delete something, a simple Control Z will bring it back.  All of these notes were on a word document appropriately titled, “Therapy”.    What you will read are a compilation of notes from those sessions.  From the beginning of the therapy to the bitter end, I discovered that I had 57 pages of notes.  57!  Now you’re thinking that 57 is not a lot, but remember how small the font size is for the iphone and then I kept that font size on my word document.  It’s not about the size of the notes, it’s all about the size of the font.  With Calibri Light 10.5, it’s 57.  But with Times New Roman at 14, my notes balloon to 82 pages.  Yes, size matters***.    I have no doubt that you will enjoy reading this more than I did writing it because those four and a half years of therapy were some of the worst years of my life.  Not only because of my eventual ex-wife, but because of a variety of crappy things.  My step-father in law passed away, the family got Covid, I had rotator cuff surgery, and we all had to stomach a Donald Trump presidency.  I would go through all of those things a hundred times over rather than having to endure the pain, longevity, and sorrow of therapy while the marriage to the love of my life was failing at a snail’s pace.  This is my story.  May none of you ever have to go through it.  But half of you will in one form or another****.  One request I have is to the person who is coming out.  I know it’s been a difficult journey for you.  To come out after living in a straight marriage for years has to be tough, and my sympathy is with you.    However,  if your marriage is not good for other reasons besides your sexuality then, it may be an easier pill to swallow.  But if your marriage was like mine, relatively happy, then please think of your spouse and realize that it’s harder on them because you’re the one who’s initiating this. Yes, you are going through struggle and pain, but it’s harder on your spouse.  Be kind to yourself, but also be kind to them because you had years building up to this, they… I… haven’t prepared.  Being broken up with sucks.  Being broken up with when things were relatively good, is hard to comprehend.  You end up liberated while your spouse feels like they’re left at the airport holding the bags.  May both of you heal and enjoy the journey… eventually.

*I am technologically impaired.

** When I go shopping and try to delete the shopping list item from my notes but accidentally keep the notes portion on in my phone and then when I go to look at my phone for the next item, more of my shopping list has been deleted and then I have to try to recall what was on the list and I subsequently can’t remember anything until I get home and realize what I needed to buy.

***I’m 5’3 (insert sad emoji here)

****Almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation.