As dire and dreary as this sounds, there is some hope for optimism. Each day I am better than yesterday.  Not all days.  I am at the two steps forward and one step back stage.  For example, Natalie* came over(yes, the same Natalie that I set up with Dave way back in Chapter 1!).   She was in LA with three of her kids and Danielle wanted to have some time with Natalie and requested that I go away for a night so they can have some time together.  In fact, I’m writing this right now from my Step-Mother in Law’s at 6:19am because as you could probably guess, I didn’t sucking fleep well last night.  It was great seeing Natalie and the kids* But I could tell in their eyes that they felt bad for me and I hate that fucking feeling. *Fuck!  I couldn’t do that clever illiteration GET THE NAME OF THIS.  ADD ASTERISKS. That feeling and look of sympathy you get for people you haven’t seen since the whole separation thing went down.  I realize that they’re just trying to be nice and loving and there’s no way to avoid it.  But essentially it just bucking fites*(I’M BACK).  That was a one step back day.  But most of the time, it’s a two step forward day.  Yeah, I still cry at times. But it’s less.  Yeah, I get pissy still.  But it’s less.  Probably the biggest step I’ve taken is that I wouldn’t go back to Danielle anymore.  That seems obvious and not even my choice to make but up until Wednesday with Dr. Razo**, if Danielle somehow changed her mind and her sexuality, I would have gone back to her.  Now, I’m done.  I think.  I hope. I am done… almost.   I also came to the realization that I deserve to be loved like I love and so does Danielle.  Maybe I love too strong for Danielle and maybe she didn’t love me strong enough for my taste so let’s find those people who love on the same level as we do.  Logically, this is for the best.  In a strange way, I don’t want things to work out because how do I know this is the end?  What if we get back together and you have some other sexuality realization a year from now.  Five years from now?  Ten years?  How much time is enough time?  You’ve already taken five years and still don’t know what you want.  What if you never know?   You want it all***.  The security and comfort of me and the ability to turn it off whenever you choose.  You do this, while I hold out hope that you’re going to fall for me again.  You’re figuring out how to be your authentic self and how to “live in the gray”, while I’m figuring out how to get you to love me again.   You’re growing and changing and to drag me along for the ride just sucks.    

*Except for the oldest, Gabriel who once threw up on me when I visited them in NYC.  #neverforget  

**Fuck you Dr. Dick

***”I Want It All” Queen 2010