Is there a point of being married without sex?  Yes there is.  But maybe it’s even better to try to have sex, even if you don’t feel like it.  It doesn’t have to be rapey, it can just be a compromise between two people.  Here’s a thought.  You both have to try.  For a time, I wasn’t allowed to initiate sex, but you both can initiate sex or at least affection.  Now, it wouldn’t take much, like when I’m cooking dinner, kiss the back of my neck or pinch my ass.  Hell, grab the cock. You don’t have to even have sex, but just that acknowledgment.  That acknowledgement that I’m a sexual being, I’m okay with a cock grab now and then.  For me, I wasn’t allowed to initiate and therefore, very little intimacy happened.  Guess what?  Intimacy won’t happen if I left it up to you, so I kind of had to be the one to initiate… constantly.  The problem is that I constantly think about sex with you.  When we’d go on a hike, you’d see the beauty of nature and I’d be thinking about the next time we would be intimate with each other.  Now, this doesn’t mean I’m a sex fiend.  Going through this forced inability to initiate sex with you made sex that much more desirable.  

I would look forward to holidays like Father’s Day and my birthday because I knew at the very least I would get some action.  And on Mother’s Day and your birthday, I knew I wouldn’t be getting action because that was never your thing. 

It’s the longing of being intimate that depresses or upsets me because I still think there’s hope.  We can live together and be companions, but if there’s no hope of intimacy then I have to know.  But I guess I don’t because I’ve been sticking around.  Why do you want to be married to me?  What do I provide as a husband to you?  If there’s no hope to be intimate, then let me know. Are you attracted to me?  The kisses we give each other seem perfunctory.  Do you want to kiss me anymore?  Why are you kissing me? I feel like we’re roommates.  And that’s okay, but I need to know.  There’s a pattern of nonintimacy.  So how do you get it back? Maybe I would feel the pressure so much because the sex was so few and far between and I felt like the only time we could gain intimacy is when we would have sex.  What happens when Emily gets older and leaves the house. Can you deal with it being you and me?    Our last fight was February 16^th and it was because it was the day before my surgery and I wanted to be intimate since I knew it would be a long time before we could be intimate again.  Who knows?  But in the end, it really doesn’t matter because you don’t like guys.  So all of this that I could have done or not done, seems pretty moot at this point.