I may talk big.  Hey, my wife and I are open.  We’re so progressive yo.  Even though it’s not what I wanted, I played it off that everything was all good.  An open relationship is supposed to enhance a relationship, not take the place of.   But if you looked closer.  It wasn’t all good.  I was scared.  My power was gone.  I was just doing what Danielle wanted me to do and had very little say in our relationship.   It was not fair and not what I wanted, but what could I do.  I could walk out.  I could leave.  But then Emily.  But then I still had hope. 

We were still relatively happy besides the lack of intimacy.  Could I stay in a happy marriage that didn’t have intimacy?  The answer is yes.  Especially since we had an open relationship.    I get the physical from the OKC women and the security, snuggles, companionship, contentment, and occasional sex from my wife.  Not terrible. I could do worse and maybe, just maybe, things will get better because Danielle still said she loved me.  If there’s any chance for our marriage to work, then I’m going to stick with it because all I want is my family to be happy.  I don’t like that my happiness is codependent on my family’s happiness, but it is, especially when I’m in this state of flux.  I’ve struggled and fought for the family’s happiness and now… now that the family that I knew is gone,  I’m just tired.

However, my life was basically on hold until she decided what she wanted to do, which isn’t fair.   She owes it to me to let me know as soon as possible so I’m not sitting around, waiting for an answer.  Knowing either way would be better because this limbo thing is so frustrating.  Fuck limbo.  Fuck it at Bar Mitzvahs, at Bat Mitzvahs, and fuck it in relationships.  I can’t stay in limbo.  It’s inherently unfair.  If I need to start over, I need to know.  I can’t sit for all this time waiting for you to decide.  I deserve better.  I didn’t want to be 50 years old and after all of my waiting be screwed.  But I was.  Ultimately, I can’t change you, I can only change myself and try to accept what I can’t change.  But this question bugs me.  Do you know what you want to do or are you just not deciding because you don’t want to hurt me.  Am I one of your top priorities or am I just a crutch for you?   Not knowing the answers to this hurts more than knowing.  We both have to move on, and you’ll be happier too with whatever you decide because right now, these feelings suck and hurt.  Rip that Band-Aid* off or put on another one, but don’t leave the Band-Aid dirty or let it just hang there.  

*https://smile.amazon.com/Band-Aid-Flexible-Adhesive-Bandages-Assorted/dp/B00B6A6XOK/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=3UOTNZ2HMFFWB&keywords=bandaid&qid=1663167795&sprefix=band%2Caps%2C166&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzQ05WR0lQQUoyUkYyJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzAyMTAxMjhRSDBFUElPWDk1MCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwODY3MDM3MUhOMEFNUDRMMTYyMyZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=