Danielle is an amazing person.  But when someone makes a decision like this, they tend to find other reasons why they do it.  I wish she could just say it’s because she’s gay, but during therapy she said some hurtful things that I won’t forget.  I don’t know if she still feels this way or she needed to find the excuses to find fault with the marriage but what does it matter anyway?  Let me just say, that you don’t need to find bullshit excuses when you’re gay.  Bottom line.  YOU’RE GAY.  Sure, every relationship has their issues, but you don’t need to find every little flaw to justify you breaking up the relationship.  If you’re gay, say you’re gay and don’t make me question if it was something else that I was doing.  In her defense, she was figuring things out and where better to get these thoughts out then in therapy.  At the time, these things really hurt me but looking back, I realize that she said these things not because she is a spiteful human being, she said these things because she was searching for a reason why she was feeling what she was feeling.  She was gay, but didn’t fully know it yet.  At least, this is what I hope because if she said these things out of spite, then that would piss me off.    Here are a few things that Danielle told me during therapy:

Number one..

INT. THERAPY OFFICE – DAY

DANIELLE

Your parent’s bankruptcy, your Mom’s COPD, and your having a blood clot and subsequent lung embolism forced me to be a caregiver!

DR. DICK

True dat, Danielle.  True dat.

ERIC

(WHAT I WANTED TO SAY)

Danielle, it’s called life. You’re basically saying that you married me without loving me that much and it was just because of life events that made you stay like my parents bankruptcy, my mom’s COPD, and my blood clot.  You do realize that  people go through a lot more with their parents and their life as you have experienced now that your parents are either deceased or getting older?  This is the process of life and experience and to blame me and my family’s misfortunes for being one of the main reasons why you stayed together with me is pretty crappy. 

Looking back, it has nothing to do with you being a caregiver.  It’s because you’re a lesbian and you were searching for things to blame me for which isn’t fair.  

Number two…

INT. THERAPY OFFICE – DAY

DANIELLE

Your anger issues are what’s keeping me from wanting me to be intimate!

DR. DICK

True dat, Danielle.  True dat.

ERIC

(WHAT I WANTED  TO SAY)

I admit, I let my anger out.  I do it with a raised voice and anger in my demeanor that is quickly gone because I like to get my anger out.  I equate it to being a volcano.  I burst for a few seconds and then I’m done.  What you do, is hold everything inside and keep it there.  Is the way you deal with anger better than my way?  No, it’s just different.  People have different ways in handling anger and some do it your way and some do it mine.   Over time, I got better with my anger because I knew it upset you when I had those bursts and you in turn, tried to be more forthcoming with your anger.  So therapy helped in that way for us to display our anger more productively.   But also why do you think I was angry?  Was it maybe because you were withdrawing from me?  That you said I was initiating too much?  That you said I was being too romantic?  You said all these things but bottom line, you are gay and were figuring it out and in turn, blaming me for the things I was doing.   You were putting me through the ringer for being romantic and initiating being intimate.  Most women would love this.  But you didn’t.  Why?  Because you are gay and that’s fine.  But again, to criticize me for things I was doing when these were issues going on with you again is pretty crappy.

Why would you do that to me?  Make me think that it was me doing something wrong.  I would take this information and work so hard to make it right.  I’ll be less romantic and show less initiation and be less this and more this.  But guess what?  No matter what I did, it wouldn’t matter.  But there I was, like an idiot continuing to try, hoping that whatever I did would make it better for you when nothing would have worked.  It could have saved me a lot of heartache and time if you didn’t have to put me through that.   This is the painful stuff.  The stuff like this makes me resent you and think how unfair it was for me.  And now, when you continue to say things like there were other issues in the marriage, it is pretty crappy.  Because every marriage has the small issues.  Every relationship has the small issues.  Picture a relationship like a body.  You’re complaining about the stubbed toe and the hangnail when the main problem is that you have Diabetes.  Now, I’m not saying being gay is like having Diabetes.  But your complaints about the small things distracts from the main issue which is that you are gay.  I know you’re going through this process and it isn’t easy, but I was the one suffering through your process as well.  Your not knowing what you wanted or what you were going through and then blaming me for these problems was not fair.  During therapy, I gave you support.  For 4 ½ years I was there for you and I stood by you because I wanted it to work.  You acted like you were finding every reason to make it not work when the reason was because you’re gay.  I have to get this anger portion out because the whole time, I thought it was something that I was doing wrong.  It wasn’t.  You hear that, Dr. Dick?  It wasn’t. I tried so hard to give you what you needed but what did i get except constant blame and reasons why I was hurting the marriage.  You kept me around as a crutch and I stayed.  There were so many red flags, but you could have seen them too rather than toss the blame my way.  I know you didn’t mean it and that you were trying to figure things out as well, but it felt like you were playing games with me.  First you want me to date other people and then you want to be asexual and then you want to date women and then you just want to be left alone.  Each of these decisions that you came to impacted me greatly.  So when you moved on from one to another, it was easy for you because you had no idea what you wanted which is why you were always in some kind of flux or unknown.  For me, it left me wondering what’s next?  What decision is Danielle going to make this time and how am I going to adjust to it?  But if you’re going to be asexual, we either have to make some kind of arrangement or else I don’t think I can go thirty or so years without having sex.  I want to feel desired by my partner.  And have physical intimacy where she initiated occasionally.  Even just once a month is good for me*.    But here’s some advice, Danielle.  If you get used to not wanting sex, you’re not going to want it.  Being passive doesn’t work with this.  We are cohabitating at this point and this marriage is going to fail.  Things just don’t happen by themselves.  You have to want to do it.  But maybe you don’t and this relationship deserved for you to try.

*Any potential matches out there please contact me at nardobram@yahoo.com

Number three…

INT. THERAPY OFFICE – DAY

DANIELLE

I don’t know if I love you.  I don’t know If I’m attracted to you.  It’s your family life that made me marry you and not necessarily because I wanted to.  It was just family drama after family drama that made me stay.  You’re too romantic.  You initiate too much!!!!

DR. DICK

True dat, Danielle.  True dat.

ERIC

(WHAT I WANTED  TO SAY)

Those are some of the mean things you said to me and I didn’t really question them because I didn’t want to make things worse between us.  Instead, I used my energy jumping through hoops to make everything better.  Looking back, I wish I responded to any of the mean things you said to me because it really wasn’t a nice thing to do, no matter what you were going through.