Right now I’m fluctuating more than the stock market.  I go from being fine and excited for the future to being upset and my world filling with despair.  This leads to me not knowing what to do.  Do I go out to distract myself?   Or do I stay at home because I’m probably not the best person to be around right now.  Sometimes, when there’s too much to do, I’ll just shut down and not do anything because it’s the safest thing.   You want me to go out and be happy and date and all that but when I’m not happy, or confused, or when the fate of our marriage was unknown, it doesn’t allow me to be in the best state of mind to be social, to date, or be myself.   It causes the opposite effect.   Irritable, upset, and insecure about us is not how to achieve successful dating.  Now that the marriage is essentially done, you want to alleviate your guilt and want me to date and have fun because as you say, “You’re a catch.” But I don’t feel like a “catch” right now.  Believe me, I want to go out and find my next person, but I’m not there yet.  Also, I’m not the best company right now and the thought of socializing and dating is scary.  I will be motivated for a short amount of time but then that motivation will end as quickly as it started.  I’m on my own personal roller coaster that I don’t want to be on.  How can I meet someone or be social when these feelings come and go.  I also seem to always talk about my current situation way too much.  Who wants to be with a guy who’s still talking about and still living with his ex, no matter how gay she is.  I’m actually so tired about talking about this and writing this book for that matter, but it’s almost all consuming at this point, 7 months after the fact.  But the fact is that it’s always there.  I’m at defcon1 at all times so if anything slightly goes wrong, I’ll explode extremely quickly.  I also see my father in me.  My father was very content being alone and not being social and I get it.  I’m normally a very social person but I’ve been reduced to this shell of myself where I don’t want to be around anyone and at the same time, don’t want to be around myself.  I’m bad company for myself and for others.   Another problem is that we still live together and still function as a family so we’ll have good days and laugh or something that brings back a semblance of normalcy and I get back to that feeling of hope… well not hope.  It’s more comfort of the familiar. 

I’m a writer and to think about anything artistic or creative is completely off the table except for this book which is taking all of my energy and something that I want to finish because I feel I need to write it to get all my feelings and emotions out.  But what’s the point?  It, like this relationship has become an albatross and I just want to get to the next thing or project that I can’t get to until I finish this book.  Please let this end soon so I can move forward.

I want work to be hard to distract me but I also don’t want work to be hard.

I want to have something to do but I also don’t want something to do.

I want you to find what you’re looking for but I also don’t want you find what you’re looking for.

I’m stuck.  I’m scared.  I feel alone because no one can really help me.  You can’t comfort me like you used to.  So where do I seek comfort?  Nowhere.

I want to be the open minded person who can accept this new normal but I’m not that.  How long does the process take?  What if I never get over it?  What if you were my one and there isn’t anyone out there? I guess I’ll find out.