CHAPTER 54: FOR THE BEST?
I don’t want a divorce, but playing devil’s advocate*, maybe it’s for the best. For one, I’m still relatively young and I have time and energy to find someone who is more suitable for me. Emily is old enough now to handle this and if we ended our marriage even two years ago, she may not have been able to handle it. I saw what a divorce did to you as a young child and I’m glad Emily didn’t have to deal with it at a younger age. Small victories. Also, if we waited any longer, I would get more resentful and Danielle would continue to be unhappy. Imagine when Emily leaves the home and it’s just Danielle and I in the house. It would be horrible to not have Emily there to buffer us or to bring us joy. I realize it’s not her job to do this, but she inherently has this gift to make us happy. It would be extremely depressing without her in the house. We can still be a pseudo family and I can still cook for them, use the pool, and still have a home and enough money to move forward. After all this time, you still don’t know what you want. You’re not straight and you don’t like men, but you’re not sure what you are or what you’re looking for yet. I wish you the best and I want you to find what you’re looking for. But because this chapter is called “For the Best”, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can let go of the need to try to help you. This is your deal now and my support as a friend are there, but as a husband, it’s no longer there. I don’t have to deal with your aging mother. I don’t have to deal with your emotionally imbalanced family. I just have to worry about Emily, myself, and the cats.
*Brought into English in the 18th century from the medieval Latin expression ‘advocatus diaboli’. To describe someone as a Devil’s advocate now is to suggest that they are mischievous and contradictory, being contrary for the sake of it. In medieval Europe, Devil’s advocate wasn’t seen so negatively; it was, like ‘chamberlain’ or ‘cordwainer’, a job title.
CHAPTER 53: OTHER PEOPLE’S MARRIAGES
Remember Todd & Dave from Chapter Four? When someone you think has a bad marriage is pulling for us to have our marriage work, it’s kind of upsetting. What makes it even worse, is that you’ve said during therapy that I have done nothing wrong and have been a great husband. But in the end what has that gotten me except a lingering marriage that eventually ended in divorce anyway.
CHAPTER 52: CURRENT STATE OF MIND
Right now I’m fluctuating more than the stock market. I go from being fine and excited for the future to being upset and my world filling with despair. This leads to me not knowing what to do. Do I go out to distract myself? Or do I stay at home because I’m probably not the best person to be around right now. Sometimes, when there’s too much to do, I’ll just shut down and not do anything because it’s the safest thing. You want me to go out and be happy and date and all that but when I’m not happy, or confused, or when the fate of our marriage was unknown, it doesn’t allow me to be in the best state of mind to be social, to date, or be myself. It causes the opposite effect. Irritable, upset, and insecure about us is not how to achieve successful dating. Now that the marriage is essentially done, you want to alleviate your guilt and want me to date and have fun because as you say, “You’re a catch.” But I don’t feel like a “catch” right now. Believe me, I want to go out and find my next person, but I’m not there yet. Also, I’m not the best company right now and the thought of socializing and dating is scary. I will be motivated for a short amount of time but then that motivation will end as quickly as it started. I’m on my own personal roller coaster that I don’t want to be on. How can I meet someone or be social when these feelings come and go. I also seem to always talk about my current situation way too much. Who wants to be with a guy who’s still talking about and still living with his ex, no matter how gay she is. I’m actually so tired about talking about this and writing this book for that matter, but it’s almost all consuming at this point, 7 months after the fact. But the fact is that it’s always there. I’m at defcon1 at all times so if anything slightly goes wrong, I’ll explode extremely quickly. I also see my father in me. My father was very content being alone and not being social and I get it. I’m normally a very social person but I’ve been reduced to this shell of myself where I don’t want to be around anyone and at the same time, don’t want to be around myself. I’m bad company for myself and for others. Another problem is that we still live together and still function as a family so we’ll have good days and laugh or something that brings back a semblance of normalcy and I get back to that feeling of hope… well not hope. It’s more comfort of the familiar.
I’m a writer and to think about anything artistic or creative is completely off the table except for this book which is taking all of my energy and something that I want to finish because I feel I need to write it to get all my feelings and emotions out. But what’s the point? It, like this relationship has become an albatross and I just want to get to the next thing or project that I can’t get to until I finish this book. Please let this end soon so I can move forward.
I want work to be hard to distract me but I also don’t want work to be hard.
I want to have something to do but I also don’t want something to do.
I want you to find what you’re looking for but I also don’t want you find what you’re looking for.
I’m stuck. I’m scared. I feel alone because no one can really help me. You can’t comfort me like you used to. So where do I seek comfort? Nowhere.
I want to be the open minded person who can accept this new normal but I’m not that. How long does the process take? What if I never get over it? What if you were my one and there isn’t anyone out there? I guess I’ll find out.
CHAPTER 51: EGGSHELLS
Danielle always felt like she was walking on eggshells* with me. Why do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with me? For four and a half years I have bitten my tongue because I was walking on eggshells with you! Four and a half years! Four and a half years just spinning your wheels and you making progress, but me just dangling. I don’t want to have to think about our relationship all the fucking time. I just want to be comfortable and not worry about saying the wrong thing that could mean the end of us. We weren’t getting anywhere as a couple, but you were getting somewhere as a lesbian. You were so worried that I’d get angry or upset when you were drawing away from me which made you believe that you were walking on eggshells with me, but I would bite my tongue during therapy and at home because I didn’t want to start a fight because it was our marriage in the balance. You didn’t want me to get upset or angry and I was trying to save our marriage. Do you see the difference? If not, let’s use the shell analogy. If we actually were walking on egg shells, your shells were from the Goldcrest** while my shells were from the freaking Ostrich***. But you know what? I am angry. What are you doing to Emily? What are you doing to me? How dare you hurt our family and play games with my emotions like this. I’m not a toy or a pet that you can go to when you need affection and then put aside when you don’t need me anymore. I’m your husband of twenty fucking years. I deserve better!
Some things I had to calculate in my head;
“Do I hold her hand?”
“Should I initiate snuggling or is that too much?”
“Do I recommend a date night? Or is that too loving?
This is the stuff that I had to deal with. If I do too much it drives her away, if I do too little I feel neglected. This is a no win scenario. Imagine my 24/7 goal was to save the marriage and family. It broke me. Also, I couldn’t get angry or upset no matter what you said in therapy because if I get angry or upset, it may drive you away. If I keep it inside then my anger and sadness grows and my passion for anything is gone. It’s like you were searching for things to complain about because in therapy, you would bring up the one time in a month that you didn’t feel good about what I said rather than the rest of the month when things were fine. It almost felt like you wanted me to initiate the separation. You could have and should have gone to stay with your mom or a friend to figure it out and not wait for me to do it because I was 110% in the marriage. Another frustrating thing was that it seemed that when I drew away and was cold to her was when she would become more romantic. But being cold, distant, and withdrawn**** is not me, but when being nice, loving, and kind***** isn’t working, I kind of have to do it. But there’s a point when this CDW Eric persona upsets Danielle and she’ll tell me that she can’t take me acting like this and then I get scared and go back to the NLK Eric persona where I’m snuggling and holding hands even when the therapist has told me not to do it. I sincerely didn’t know what I needed to do at that time. I was lost.
*The expression “walking on eggshells” originates from the 1800s. In these times, people would collect eggs from the hen houses, taking care not to walk on any broken eggshells that might disturb the birds
**Smallest eggs on the planet
***Largest eggs on the planet
****CDW
*****NLK
CHAPTER 50: WHAT I WANTED
I wanted to grow old with you and I can’t believe you’re doing this to us… that is it.
CHAPTER 49: STRAIGHT BOOK
I’m the only person that I know that has had their spouse come out. I thought it was a rare thing. That’s not the case. I found a Facebook group called Straight Book that is for people who’s spouses have come out. There are almost two-thousand members so it shows that this isn’t an only me thing. I’ve found some really good people on there and it’s been a great site where I can vent by telling the people who understand what I’m going through. So many of my friends say get over it. Or they’re excited for my future. Or they say I’m a catch. I appreciate that they’re trying to help me, but I don’t really want to hear this and the StraightBookers understand.
CHAPTER 48: THE BOTTOM LINE
Danielle is an amazing person. But when someone makes a decision like this, they tend to find other reasons why they do it. I wish she could just say it’s because she’s gay, but during therapy she said some hurtful things that I won’t forget. I don’t know if she still feels this way or she needed to find the excuses to find fault with the marriage but what does it matter anyway? Let me just say, that you don’t need to find bullshit excuses when you’re gay. Bottom line. YOU’RE GAY. Sure, every relationship has their issues, but you don’t need to find every little flaw to justify you breaking up the relationship. If you’re gay, say you’re gay and don’t make me question if it was something else that I was doing. In her defense, she was figuring things out and where better to get these thoughts out then in therapy. At the time, these things really hurt me but looking back, I realize that she said these things not because she is a spiteful human being, she said these things because she was searching for a reason why she was feeling what she was feeling. She was gay, but didn’t fully know it yet. At least, this is what I hope because if she said these things out of spite, then that would piss me off. Here are a few things that Danielle told me during therapy:
Number one..
INT. THERAPY OFFICE – DAY
DANIELLE
Your parent’s bankruptcy, your Mom’s COPD, and your having a blood clot and subsequent lung embolism forced me to be a caregiver!
DR. DICK
True dat, Danielle. True dat.
ERIC
(WHAT I WANTED TO SAY)
Danielle, it’s called life. You’re basically saying that you married me without loving me that much and it was just because of life events that made you stay like my parents bankruptcy, my mom’s COPD, and my blood clot. You do realize that people go through a lot more with their parents and their life as you have experienced now that your parents are either deceased or getting older? This is the process of life and experience and to blame me and my family’s misfortunes for being one of the main reasons why you stayed together with me is pretty crappy.
Looking back, it has nothing to do with you being a caregiver. It’s because you’re a lesbian and you were searching for things to blame me for which isn’t fair.
Number two…
INT. THERAPY OFFICE – DAY
DANIELLE
Your anger issues are what’s keeping me from wanting me to be intimate!
DR. DICK
True dat, Danielle. True dat.
ERIC
(WHAT I WANTED TO SAY)
I admit, I let my anger out. I do it with a raised voice and anger in my demeanor that is quickly gone because I like to get my anger out. I equate it to being a volcano. I burst for a few seconds and then I’m done. What you do, is hold everything inside and keep it there. Is the way you deal with anger better than my way? No, it’s just different. People have different ways in handling anger and some do it your way and some do it mine. Over time, I got better with my anger because I knew it upset you when I had those bursts and you in turn, tried to be more forthcoming with your anger. So therapy helped in that way for us to display our anger more productively. But also why do you think I was angry? Was it maybe because you were withdrawing from me? That you said I was initiating too much? That you said I was being too romantic? You said all these things but bottom line, you are gay and were figuring it out and in turn, blaming me for the things I was doing. You were putting me through the ringer for being romantic and initiating being intimate. Most women would love this. But you didn’t. Why? Because you are gay and that’s fine. But again, to criticize me for things I was doing when these were issues going on with you again is pretty crappy.
Why would you do that to me? Make me think that it was me doing something wrong. I would take this information and work so hard to make it right. I’ll be less romantic and show less initiation and be less this and more this. But guess what? No matter what I did, it wouldn’t matter. But there I was, like an idiot continuing to try, hoping that whatever I did would make it better for you when nothing would have worked. It could have saved me a lot of heartache and time if you didn’t have to put me through that. This is the painful stuff. The stuff like this makes me resent you and think how unfair it was for me. And now, when you continue to say things like there were other issues in the marriage, it is pretty crappy. Because every marriage has the small issues. Every relationship has the small issues. Picture a relationship like a body. You’re complaining about the stubbed toe and the hangnail when the main problem is that you have Diabetes. Now, I’m not saying being gay is like having Diabetes. But your complaints about the small things distracts from the main issue which is that you are gay. I know you’re going through this process and it isn’t easy, but I was the one suffering through your process as well. Your not knowing what you wanted or what you were going through and then blaming me for these problems was not fair. During therapy, I gave you support. For 4 ½ years I was there for you and I stood by you because I wanted it to work. You acted like you were finding every reason to make it not work when the reason was because you’re gay. I have to get this anger portion out because the whole time, I thought it was something that I was doing wrong. It wasn’t. You hear that, Dr. Dick? It wasn’t. I tried so hard to give you what you needed but what did i get except constant blame and reasons why I was hurting the marriage. You kept me around as a crutch and I stayed. There were so many red flags, but you could have seen them too rather than toss the blame my way. I know you didn’t mean it and that you were trying to figure things out as well, but it felt like you were playing games with me. First you want me to date other people and then you want to be asexual and then you want to date women and then you just want to be left alone. Each of these decisions that you came to impacted me greatly. So when you moved on from one to another, it was easy for you because you had no idea what you wanted which is why you were always in some kind of flux or unknown. For me, it left me wondering what’s next? What decision is Danielle going to make this time and how am I going to adjust to it? But if you’re going to be asexual, we either have to make some kind of arrangement or else I don’t think I can go thirty or so years without having sex. I want to feel desired by my partner. And have physical intimacy where she initiated occasionally. Even just once a month is good for me*. But here’s some advice, Danielle. If you get used to not wanting sex, you’re not going to want it. Being passive doesn’t work with this. We are cohabitating at this point and this marriage is going to fail. Things just don’t happen by themselves. You have to want to do it. But maybe you don’t and this relationship deserved for you to try.
*Any potential matches out there please contact me at nardobram@yahoo.com
Number three…
INT. THERAPY OFFICE – DAY
DANIELLE
I don’t know if I love you. I don’t know If I’m attracted to you. It’s your family life that made me marry you and not necessarily because I wanted to. It was just family drama after family drama that made me stay. You’re too romantic. You initiate too much!!!!
DR. DICK
True dat, Danielle. True dat.
ERIC
(WHAT I WANTED TO SAY)
Those are some of the mean things you said to me and I didn’t really question them because I didn’t want to make things worse between us. Instead, I used my energy jumping through hoops to make everything better. Looking back, I wish I responded to any of the mean things you said to me because it really wasn’t a nice thing to do, no matter what you were going through.
CHAPTER 47: FIFTY
FUCK!!! I DID NOT TAKE MY ADVICE. I told myself that at age 50, I would be done with waiting for Danielle to make a decision and that I’d leave. I figured by then, I couldn’t stand it anymore anyway and would I want to continue being with someone who has been figuring it out for 4 ½ years? Is this selfish of her or just a process she’s working through. I think both but what am I getting out of it besides heartache and stress? I was getting my life partner and that was worth it to me. I was going to be there for her until she figured it out because that’s the vow I made.
The problem with saying 50 was the cut-off was that Sexico happened and Danielle was super sexual and romantic with me in Sexico. And then my shoulder surgery happened and I was super drugged up and in pain so I didn’t really care about anything until April and that’s when she hit me with it. Maybe I knew that 50 was coming. That 50 was the new end of things. Phuck Phifty.
CHAPTER 46: EMILY
Emily is the best daughter ever. I call her my intellectual fireball. Yes, I’m completely biased but I don’t give a shit, because I’m right. She’s my rock. My roll. And everything in-between. She makes me feel like no matter what I do, she’ll love me implicitly and she’s by far the best thing that I’ve ever done for humanity. I’m her dad though and sometimes I worry that I’m too much of her friend and not enough of her dad. I’m worried that she needs me to be a dad when I need her to be my friend and that’s not fair. I know that she can tell when I’m sad and I don’t want my feelings to impact her in any way. I’m glad she’s 13 because at this age, I think she can handle it. I hope she can handle it. I pray she can handle it.
CHAPTER 45: WHAT WAS BLAMED FOR BEFORE DANIELLE’S, “I’M NOT STRAIGHT” THING
- My anger issues
- I Initiate too much
- I have too high a sex drive
- I’m too affectionate
- Danielle’s Asexual
- Danielle’s Bisexual
- We don’t have enough mutual interests
- You’re not in love with me anymore
- Do I even want to be in this marriage?*
- He threw a surprise party for me! How dare he.
Do you realize that with each demand you make of me, it causes things to be a little worse with each demand. With all of this, I don’t know whether to snuggle you or leave you the hell alone. I just know that I can’t handle you snuggling me and sleeping in the same bed. Please stop giving me these temporary signs of affection because it only confuses me and makes me long for times when those snuggles and comfort meant something.
*Confidence builder
CHAPTER 44A: SCENARIOS
- We have some intimacy and all is well
- We are strong and I start seeing other people to see how we do with an open marriage when I’m not worried if you love me or not. Do you love me? Are you still unsure? If you don’t love me then i think we need to end
- I see some kind of escort
- We have a trial separation
- We break up.
I think that’s it. I just think that if I am with someone else, i will never find the same connection that I have with Danielle.
CHAPTER 44: IN REALITY, HELPLESS…
I may talk big. Hey, my wife and I are open. We’re so progressive yo. Even though it’s not what I wanted, I played it off that everything was all good. An open relationship is supposed to enhance a relationship, not take the place of. But if you looked closer. It wasn’t all good. I was scared. My power was gone. I was just doing what Danielle wanted me to do and had very little say in our relationship. It was not fair and not what I wanted, but what could I do. I could walk out. I could leave. But then Emily. But then I still had hope.
We were still relatively happy besides the lack of intimacy. Could I stay in a happy marriage that didn’t have intimacy? The answer is yes. Especially since we had an open relationship. I get the physical from the OKC women and the security, snuggles, companionship, contentment, and occasional sex from my wife. Not terrible. I could do worse and maybe, just maybe, things will get better because Danielle still said she loved me. If there’s any chance for our marriage to work, then I’m going to stick with it because all I want is my family to be happy. I don’t like that my happiness is codependent on my family’s happiness, but it is, especially when I’m in this state of flux. I’ve struggled and fought for the family’s happiness and now… now that the family that I knew is gone, I’m just tired.
However, my life was basically on hold until she decided what she wanted to do, which isn’t fair. She owes it to me to let me know as soon as possible so I’m not sitting around, waiting for an answer. Knowing either way would be better because this limbo thing is so frustrating. Fuck limbo. Fuck it at Bar Mitzvahs, at Bat Mitzvahs, and fuck it in relationships. I can’t stay in limbo. It’s inherently unfair. If I need to start over, I need to know. I can’t sit for all this time waiting for you to decide. I deserve better. I didn’t want to be 50 years old and after all of my waiting be screwed. But I was. Ultimately, I can’t change you, I can only change myself and try to accept what I can’t change. But this question bugs me. Do you know what you want to do or are you just not deciding because you don’t want to hurt me. Am I one of your top priorities or am I just a crutch for you? Not knowing the answers to this hurts more than knowing. We both have to move on, and you’ll be happier too with whatever you decide because right now, these feelings suck and hurt. Rip that Band-Aid* off or put on another one, but don’t leave the Band-Aid dirty or let it just hang there.
*https://smile.amazon.com/Band-Aid-Flexible-Adhesive-Bandages-Assorted/dp/B00B6A6XOK/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=3UOTNZ2HMFFWB&keywords=bandaid&qid=1663167795&sprefix=band%2Caps%2C166&sr=8-2-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzQ05WR0lQQUoyUkYyJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwMzAyMTAxMjhRSDBFUElPWDk1MCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwODY3MDM3MUhOMEFNUDRMMTYyMyZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2F0ZiZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=
CHAPTER 43: TORTURE
Imagine having something on your mind pretty much 24/7 that you can’t fix. But you constantly think about ways to fix it. Strategies to try. Ideas to ponder. All different ways to make things work when little do you know, or actually little do you care to admit, that they are unfixable. You have this hope that things will work out if you only try a little harder, change a little more, acquiesce in some other way, give a massage, do the dishes, clean the entire fucking house to lessen her stress. It’s torture brought on by my own mind. Are we ever going to make out again? When are we going to have sex again? If we aren’t going to kiss or have sex, are we eventually going to work towards kissing and having sex again? Can I live like this? If so, how long can I live like this. Is there an end in sight? Can we get back to the way it was before? What can I do? Eckhart Tolle wrote, “The Power Of Now*” and he would be tearing me a new one with all of these unhelpful questions and not living in the present. Sorry, Eckhart.
Ultimately, all of this therapy that we did in couples therapy, was not about fixing me. It was about fixing you. Not fixing, because nothing’s broken. But it was about helping you on your path to find your authenticity. I know what I want. I know what I need. All I wanted was a normal relationship with my wife sexually and emotionally and I was willing to do anything to get there. You didn’t know what you wanted and this uncertainty led me on and hurt. Your biggest mistake was not letting me go sooner. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. You simply placed your feelings above everyone else’s which was necessary for you to do. I get that. However, I’m the personification of collateral damage from your choices and it was inevitable and my choice that I was going to suffer until you decided what to do. I did everything I could to save this marriage. I bit my tongue, I did what you and the therapists wanted me to do and it doesn’t mean dick. I thought the therapy was trying to find what you wanted, not end the marriage. You broke my heart.
*https://smile.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HNSRN5USK3PY&keywords=eckhart+tolle+the+power+of+now&qid=1663166848&sprefix=ecka%2Caps%2C309&sr=8-1
CHAPTER 42: HIGH SCHOOL & DEEP SEEDED INSECURITY
I went to Taft high school in the valley. Homecoming Prince. Drama nerd. Smoked pot out of a coke can with holes in it with Corey Feldman. You know, high school. I’m a short guy. 5’4 was my top and I didn’t hit that until college. In high school I was maybe five feet. Getting girls was tough. I was competing with guys usually six to eight inches taller than me with high-school girls who are looking for the looks before the books. I liked many girls in high school. Wendi Shapiro, Allison Weiner, Ila Wallen, Amanda Alderman, and the list goes on and on… but I was way insecure about my height so that often was the death knell to anything happening along with the aforementioned height issue.
I got used to rejection or even pre-rejection brought on by my insecurity about my physical appearance. What I did have, was a lot of female friends. I was harmless. I was Eric. They would talk to me about who they liked and occasionally, they wouldn’t mention names, and of course my mind who think, “Oh my God. Are they talking about me?? I think they are!” And then, when I pried a little, it always turned out that they weren’t talking about me, but they were talking about Craig Chiate or Luke Mcdaniel. You know, guys over five feet. These high school girls just wanted me as a friend and were rejecting me romantically.
This rejection I felt in high school has come back. I feel rejected. Not because of height, but because of Danielle coming out. It brings back that deep seeded insecurity that was quelled, but always there. Lying in wait. Like a small cancerous tumor that lies benign until something like this happens to bring it all out again. All of this brings out the high school insecurity I had. It actually came back sooner. When you first started saying questioning your sexuality. This insecurity was so strong that I was afraid to feel anything or talk to Danielle about certain topics because I was so afraid that it would add to her desire to leave me. They stemmed from my unsureness about where she stood in her attraction and desire for me. This lingering relationship is what hurt the most because some days I felt awesome about us and then other times I got worried. More like I was secure somedays and insecure most days. But the pros of our family outweighed the cons and I don’t regret it. However, looking back, I should have spoken my mind more because the end result would have ultimately been the same.
CHAPTER 41: REVEALING
On dates now, I don’t know how much to reveal about my past. I don’t want the dates to be about Danielle, but this is what’s happening in my life right now. It’s hard to think about much else, so I’m focused on this. So when conversations come up, I bring it up and what date wants to hear that. I have to stop revealing too much too soon. I can just respond to things and not be dishonest, but not reveal unless I have to.
CHAPTER 40: STRUNG ALONG
I’m Pinnochio. Pre-fairy. Strung along. Told that she’s still figuring it out. That I got to live in the gray and not the black and white. You don’t like guys, you don’t love me anymore, and you’re not straight. That’s pretty black and white. The gray seems a lot like just a cop out to justify not having to make a decision. You can just say, look at things in the gray and that’s why I haven’t made a decision after all these years. And then I look at that and say yeah, it’s me. I’ve been looking at things too black and white. I have to look at things in the gray. But when you’re living in the gray for four years, you yearn for the black and white. You yearn for an answer. You yearn for resolution and when there isn’t any, you’re stuck in the gray and on her time table. I’m sure many of you are saying, why didn’t you just leave. You gave her outs but you could have taken outs yourself, but you didn’t. I did it for the comfort of her and the comfort of Emily. Ultimately, I’m okay with staying as long as I did because Emily got older and she didn’t have to go through any of this when she wasn’t ready. I also didn’t want to leave this house and this life. I got comfortable and so was Emily. I wouldn’t trade these years back. But I do wonder how it would have been if Danielle just ripped the band-aid off. Why does she stay? Does she stay because of Emily? I’m not staying because of Emily. I’m staying because I wanted things to work. She has told me that she’s not sure if she even loves me and given me many indications that this isn’t going to work. It’s no wonder that I feel irritable and sad 24/7.
CHAPTER 39: BRAMLEY’S BELIEVE IT OR NOT: IN THE BEGINNING THERAPY WAS FOR ME
Danielle wanted couple therapy initially because she wanted me to work on anger issues. But let’s delve into where these anger issues were stemming from, shall we…
- When you have a certain sex life. Let’s say once a week. When your partner changes it to once every two weeks or then once a month or then once every two months, and then this pattern continues for a year. What is going to happen to you. You’re going to obviously be agitated. Now, you don’t want to force sex to happen, so you stay quiet, strategize and think about ways to make this better. You’re more romantic. You do more chores. You may ask what’s going on and they say something like, “I’m just stressed right now”. So what is your alternative? You sometimes break. You sometimes get angry. You sometimes are driving with them and they pick the more expensive gas and you make a jerky comment. Not because you care about the cost of the gas, but because you’re put in the situation where you haven’t had sex for the past three months and you’re letting your frustration out on the gas. Then your wife equates this to “anger issues” and wants therapy so you can deal with it. Anger is a typical and beneficial emotion that stems from a lack of control. I am acquiescing to your desires, even when it’s something I don’t want to do. We have an uneven love and I don’t like it. When you become distant and withhold intimacy from me, I would think that withholding anger is a natural emotion. When I did have anger, you made me feel guilty for having this anger and in turn I felt like I was in the wrong for feeling this way and scared that my anger would drive you away even more. And now, when you describe why the relationship failed, you will mention that it’s because I have anger issues. You know how all of this makes me feel? Angry. Danielle had anger issues. She kept everything inside. Do I uses this as an excuse as to why the marriage ended? No. I just label it as someone who handles anger differently than I do because we’re all human beings and we all have flaws. During therapy, Danielle said I had improved on my anger issues and I think she opened up more. Therapy was helping us become more compatible as far as our emotions went. It meant nothing in regards to changing Danielle’s sexuality.
CHAPTER 38: BLOWING IT ALL UP
I don’t want to start over. Dating takes time. Dating is hard. Finding someone to date where you have a strong connection with is extremely hard. Finding someone to date where you have as strong a connection with as your ex-wife is nearly impossible. But I have to start over. I have to search. I have to try. I don’t think you wait until you’re ready to date. You don’t wake up one morning and say, I’m ready now. I think you date and then one day, you’re ready. I love this life we created and now you’re blowing it up. Blowing up is a strong term. You’re not blowing it up, but you’re slowly burning room by room while I’m still in the house. This is what it feels like. I would put out a fire in one room until it was too much and then I’d go into another room and try to make that room work, hoping the flames never got there. But no matter how nice I made the room look with the hope that you liked it, I would get shot down.
My ex-wife is gay and I'm flailing... 