There were points as I look back on things specifically in the last couple of years, where I felt that Danielle wanted me to go. She didn’t want to tell me because it would mean disrupting our lives, but I felt she wanted me to be the one to initiate our separation. I didn’t want to do that because I wanted our marriage to last and I had hope. I would latch on to small things that fed that hope. Like Mexico.
Category: Uncategorized
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Even though my wife… ex-wife coming out and ending the marriage was a shock, as I reread my therapy notes I can’t say that I was completely blind, deaf, or dumb. There were signs. Significant signs. Not just to the coming out part, but to other things as well. I always was very doting on Danielle. I am an affectionate and extroverted person who tends to wear my heart on my sleeve. Danielle is the opposite. She’s an introvert who internalizes many of her feelings. It’s very similar to my identical twin brother Jason who is much more like Danielle than I am. Jason lacks the spontaneity, the fun, and the impulsiveness that I have. I lack the discipline, analytical reasoning, and patience that Jason says. If Jason and I could go back into the womb and stay as one person, we’d be a perfect person. With Danielle and I, it’s the same thing. Since we’re opposites, together we make a strong team. I do the bills, she sets up for parties. I do the cooking, she plans the vacations. It’s pretty cool. But on the flip side, our needs are different. I’m a physical guy who desires affection, love, and company. She’s an introvert who desires alone time and Netflix. I show a lot of affection and her affection is a lot with our daughter, but not with me. So what happens when two opposites meet and fall in love. I am passionate with my love for Danielle and she isn’t as passionate. But that’s what made us different and I think what made us work as well. It’s not like I became social during the marriage, I’ve always been social and an extrovert just like you’ve been introverted and less social. My being social isn’t a surprise but it was like you and the Dr. Dick wanted me to change when I’ve been like this all along. What have you done to change? Why are you forcing change on me? Maybe a compromise? Maybe? You point out every single minutia detail of what I’m doing wrong, yet you hardly look at yourself. I think you’re just trying to find all of this negative minutia to justify why you’re leaving the marriage.
Even if it works out, your still not going to love me as much as i love you.
I knew back then that my love for her would outweigh her love for me. I can clearly the remember the day that I told Danielle that I loved her for the first time. We were a month into our relationship and we had just made love. I looked into her eyes. She looked into mine. I said the three words, “I love you.” She looked into my eyes, smiled, and said, “that’s nice.” I guess that was the first ego blow that Eric took. Little did I know that there was going to be a bigger one about 23 years later because at the time, that was a biggie. She eventually told me she loved me a few weeks later, so all is good. I mean, all was good back then. When she told me she loved me. It’s not so good now. Because of the whole divorce/coming out of the closet thing. What I believe is that if you really want a relationship to work, you can’t change your partner. You have to change something within yourself. I’ve changed a lot for Danielle because I wanted this to work so bad and I didn’t feel the reciprocation.
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As expected, Danielle eventually wanted in on the ENM game. She wanted to start dating women which seemed like the natural progression of things. I didn’t want this, but I knew I kind of had to let Danielle explore this side of her. So like the acquiescing partner I’ve been, I agreed despite my reservations. My biggest fear was what if she found out that she liked this. That being with women was the key to her happiness and that she was gay. I was basically giving her the gateway drug to leave me. But I’d rather be together and you see other women than not be together. I have to learn to deal with it even though I don’t want to. It’s difficult not being on the same page as my partner. But the alternatives were that she stays with me unhappily or she leaves me anyway. I had to go down this road even if it caused me anguish. She went on this app called HER and found Morgan. Morgan was also married with a straight husband. You can never know how you’d react in a situation like this and it wasn’t my best moment. I said she could do it and even offered up the house because I was at work and it made me look like a very understanding husband even if it was killing me inside. The not knowing and limbo feeling transformed into a scared and cornered feeling. I remember being at work and hearing the Ring notification go off on my phone. I couldn’t help going to the camera and seeing Morgan enter our house. I was crushed. I was flustered. I was a rage of insecurity and weakness. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t do much of anything except picture the worst possible outcome. But guess what? That’s normal. It’s something new. Something scary. There was a threat to the life that I love and I reacted accordingly. When I got home, I explained how this hurt me and Danielle understood and I told her I’d probably get more used to things after it normalized. So the next time Morgan came over, it hurt. A lot. But it hurt less than the first time. But to be honest, whenever she’s texting, I get anxious and then mad and then wonder who’s she texting with and then get mad at myself for feeling like this.
Again, an ENM relationship has to be strong initially to work. If Danielle and I were strong, I would have handled it better. But we weren’t so it took longer to adjust. I adjusted after that and even wanted to meet Morgan and her husband. I started thinking that being Poly was something we could share. Where we could even hang out as couples and go to Poly events together. Danielle was lukewarm about it, but she agreed because it made me feel better. It also took a lot of the pressure of me finding women to date if we could be Poly and meet like minded couples together. The pressure of finding out if someone was open to an ENM relationship wouldn’t be there if we’re hanging out with other Poly couples. I can have that confidence I have with Danielle while meeting other women at the same time. Yeah, I still just wanted it to be just Danielle and I, but this was an alternative that could be a good fit for both of us. How could we evolve as a couple if we do this separately and we still have each other to lean on in the journey. Things were headed that way until Morgan bailed on Danielle and Danielle never tried to date women again while we were together. Danielle kind of blamed me for this because my insecurity apparently led Morgan to break it off. But that’s not fair. You can’t throw this new relationship status on me and expect me to be used to it without any complications. I need time to adjust that I was not given. I didn’t want us to have an open relationship, but you did so I deserved more understanding. If you want a girlfriend that’s fine but i need sexual intimacy as well for this to work i think. It can’t be equal partnership. For example, if you were dating Morgan along with me, you can’t make her your number one priority. I want and have to be your primary partner. It feels like Danielle was on this vacation discovering new and exciting things to try, while I was left at home, waiting for her to come back. She knew the path she was on and I didn’t.
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“DO I SAY I’M MARRIED OR IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE EVEN WHEN THIS FEELS LIKE AN OPEN FRIENDSHIP?”
Open marriage. Polyamorous. Ethically non-monogamous. All of it basically meaning the same thing. But we are not really sexual or romantic right now so how is this a marriage? But I digress. At first ENM is like “cool, I can date other people.” It’s like a permanent hall pass. It relieves Danielle of the guilt, obligation, and pressure of not wanting to be sexual and it allows me to get the intimacy that I crave. Dr. Dick also said that seeing other women would spark Danielle to want me more*. Win win right? But then you realize the truth. It’s hard. How do you find women like this? How do I advertise myself? The truth is that it’s hard meeting people who are willing to do this. Subjects like this don’t normally come up in everyday conversation so my strategy was to tell some closer friends of mine to see if they may either know someone else or at the very least have a really good conversation with them and see their eyes get big. That strategy didn’t work very well as far as meeting someone new, but it did get me closer to some of my good friends who were remarkably supportive of me and didn’t pass the type of negative judgement that I would have expected. *Thank you, friends. All of you. I couldn’t have made it through without you and I apologize for being such a sad sack when we hung out. If you were interested in a woman, it was tricky. You’d want them to know you’re available but you also don’t want them to think you’re a dick and just cheating on your wife. So the conversation would ultimately go like this…
ERIC: I’m Ethically Non-Monogamous.
MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: What does that mean?
ERIC: I’m in an open marriage.
MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: What does that mean?
ERIC: My wife allows me to be married and to see other women.
MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: Whoosh**
After those lessons, it was time to hit OK Cupid (OKC). It’s a dating app that has a more progressive mindset and you can find non-monogamy there and actually label yourself as non-monogamous. However, the dating pool goes down significantly if you’re married and/or non-monogamous. As I know now, being single again, there are about 50 times the amount of women looking for a monogamous partner than there are women going the non-monogamous route. Also, the talent pool is not as… well talented and being that I didn’t have as much talent to choose from, I would date women who normally weren’t my type both physically or mentally. Some were bigger than I liked because I’m kind of a small guy and when a woman can kick my ass, it’s not a turn-on for me. Almost always. Then there were those with baggage. I mean excess baggage. One woman had a husband in prison who was getting out soon and didn’t know about their open marriage yet. I wanted to live. Buh-Bye. The most dates I went on with a woman during my non-monogamous days were three. Ebony. She was cute and nice and hot. But she was kind of in the same situation as me where her husband wasn’t being intimate with her. However, after the third date the husband apparently was getting upset about her dating and we stopped. But the primary reason I was unsuccessful as a non-monogamist was because I was still way in love with Danielle and I didn’t and couldn’t allow myself to fall for anyone. I didn’t want to be in an open marriage. Why if I don’t want a non-monogamous marriage and she does, why does she get it? Because I felt like there wasn’t a choice.
She would also confuse me by saying things like “I want you more when you go out with other people.” WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Do you see why I was so messed up?? But Danielle was messed up too which is not good when both parties are mentally messed up. Granted, my messed up was caused by the other party so I guess it all makes sense, actually it doesn’t make any sense. Basically, I was seeing other people not to make myself happy, but to relieve my wife’s guilt. I was making her feel better for the very things that she was causing. This is why when I saw other people, I went in emotionally guarded and left emotionally guarded and was just there for the distraction and the physical. I want to apologize to the women I dated during this time. I didn’t disclose that I wasn’t emotionally available because that would have lowered the dating pool even more. I also want to say that non-monogamy can work for a couple and to not use my situation as an example. I feel a couple can even thrive with non-monogamy because it’s fun and exciting to have new partners. There is a lot of NRE* that happens in non-monogamy that is awesome. It’s like going back to the beginning of a relationship where you’re talking and on a first date they say;
NON-MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: “Shawshank Redemption is my favorite movie.”
ERIC: “Oh my God. Me too!”.
When you’re married, you pretty much know all this stuff, so the NRE* isn’t there but is replaced by other good stuff like comfort, memories, teamwork etc. But back to having a successful Non-Monogamous relationship. It takes a strong couple. A tight couple who already have a good relationship. A couple who communicates, is honest, and makes rules that are followed by both. This is your primary partner and you prioritize your primary partner. If you can do that, you can have a successful non-monogamous relationship in my opinion. Danielle and I didn’t have a strong enough relationship as primary partners to have a successful non-monogamous relationship. She was opening up the relationship, not because she was so open minded and wanted the open marriage experience. She felt guilty about not wanting to be with me and my being with other women put less pressure on her to be sexual. It was kind of nice of her to try to fulfill my sexual needs, but also kind of selfish because it took the pressure off of her and it was all about her journey and made me collateral damage. She wanted the stability of me, the love of me, the support of me, the person to snuggle with, but the sex part was a burden, so she let that go. The problem is that I need more than a snuggle buddy and those needs I have shouldn’t be unrealistic. The bigger problem is that I am still attracted to her and regrettably, still in love with her.
Seeing other people when our relationship is in flux doesn’t make me happy but since it makes you happy, i do it your making me feel better for things you’re causing it’s like being comforted by the person who shoots you. You’re encouraging me to go on dates because it makes you feel better about this whole situation. A marriage only works if two people are in it together. You aren’t in it anymore. There’s no magic pill that makes a change. You have to change. But right now, you’d rather be roommates.
Go take Ebony. I don’t want to take Ebony. I want to go with you It feels like your pawning me off to ebony because you’d rather not have to deal with me You have someone here who wants you and wants to be with you.
Yes, we were honest. Yes, we communicated. Yes, we loved each other. But there was so much uncertainty with what Danielle wanted to do, that it left me and our relationship in this uncomfortable limbo.
Ultimately, I ask, why are you doing this, Danielle? Are you doing this to save our marriage? Or are you simply using me as a crutch to lean on while you figure out what you want. I think I am because the few times that you would initiate being intimate was when you felt I was drawing away. What if I happened to say no to ENM? I don’t really want this and I also don’t want you to do this. I’m going out with these people because it makes you feel better because you lost your sexual desire, and you want me to be satisfied. But again I ask, why are you doing this? To see if you like women? So I’m basically a placeholder until you determine what sexuality you are. Awesome. Just know that if you decide to be with a woman and give your affection to someone else then our relationship will probably have to change drastically because I would need affection from you if you’re giving affection to someone else. Also, how long is this process going to take? One year? Two? It’s been 4 ½ already of you and I in this fucking limbo, so it would be classic Danielle to make it go another 4 ½ years. You tell me that you want me to be social and to have fun, but I’m not as happy as I usually am and have a lot on my mind so how am i supposed to be Social Eric when I’m depressed Eric? How can I want to go to Vegas when I’m hurting. It’s so awesome that you’re finding yourself and finding what you want, but what about me? What about what I want? I’m just being left behind and have been beaten down. I realize that I can’t be half in to our relationship when it’s flailing. I need to be in fully and need you to be in as well. But you’re not and I’m lost.
*Wrong again, Dr. Dick.
**That’s the sound of the Monogamous Woman headed elsewhere as fast as she could.
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When Danielle tells me that we have to go to her mom’s house, I feel like I don’t often want to go because most of it is her mom fawning over our daughter and Danielle and I am just the throw in. So I don’t want to go, but I do feel an obligation to see my mother in law and it makes Danielle happy so in turn, it makes me happy. There’s an obligation to go to your Mother in Law’s and with that, there’s an obligation to pleasure your partner occasionally. Even though I may dread going a bit, I find some good in it. Maybe we have a good meal or I have a drink when I’m there or I watch a baseball game or something. So there is some good to be found even if I’d rather be doing something else. This is how I saw sex with Danielle and I. She wanted sex way less than I did and I never forced her to have sex because that would be rape and that’s not what I wanted. But I did want some kind of physical satisfaction more than once a month, be it hand, mouth, or the Holy Place and like going to the Mother in Law’s I felt it was kind of the same kind of obligation. So once a month, I start initiating with Danielle and even though she doesn’t want to have get physical, maybe she’ll do it to make me happy be it hand, mouth, or the holy place, and in turn be happy herself and maybe even find a part of the sex that she liked. She may not want sex and I may not want to go to my Mother in Law’s house, but people don’t always get to do or not do what they want and they make the best of it because they want to keep the peace and keep the Mother in Law and the Holy Place happy. For me, sex and intimacy is important because it enhances the relationship.
NOTE TO DANIELLE:
My Darling Danielle,
I love you. I want to have sexual relations with you. Now, I realize that your libido has changed and you may not be nearly as horny as I am. I know that you need to be in the mood for these things, but maybe you have to work into the mood rather than expect it to just be there. If you let me go down on you or start giving you a massage, or initiate some kind of intimate activity, you may start to get into the mood. You’re not going to magically start wanting sex, but maybe you need a little push. Or a little Bocky*.
Love,
Me
*The name of my penis
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There was a time. A time in the beginning where Danielle and I would go to clubs. Specifically swing clubs. It all started if I remember correctly when we were talking and Danielle might have mentioned that she had some bisexual experiences or feelings in the past and I had always wanted to try to go to swinger clubs and it just went from there. She was willing to go and internally I said, “Fuck yeah!”. I sent my horny crack team of investigators which consisted of… me and I basically searched the internet for swing clubs. I found one that was close by, not too expensive (I think it was 40$ for the both of us and $60 for single guys), and ran it by Danielle. She was good to go and duh, so was I. The first club was called Club Taboo or something cheezy like that. Oh wait, it wasn’t Club Taboo, it was the Velvet Club. Yeah, that’s it. The Velvet Club in Van Nuys. There was this guy named Paulie who welcomed us to the club. He was a nice guy. He was a kind of host that most of these places have. He would show us around the club aka house in Van Nuys and let us know where the towels were, where the lube was, and of course where the hot tub was. To this day, Paulie continues to be an inside joke for Danielle & I. *see below. It was our first swing club and we didn’t know what to expect. It was a smaller club with a tiki/beach sort of motif going on. We kept our clothes on for a bit and met some couples at the pool table and at the bar and were getting our feet wet. Until we decided to hit the jaccuzi and got everything wet. We started talking to a couple and eventually started making out with them and it was pretty awesome. Awesome until I noticed Paulie who was jerking himself while watching us which didn’t add to the mood. Girl on girl = Fucking Amazing! Girl on girl being watched and jerked of to by Paulie and a few other $60 single men = Creepy. This is why Paulie today remains an inside joke for Danielle and I regarding masturbation or generalized creepiness. Thanks Paulie, wherever you are.
After this, we found other clubs. Some nicer. Some not as nice. Some classier. Some not as classy. Some more expensive and never found any club or wanted to go to any club that was less expensive. We never found any host as nice or who had as quick of a wrist as Paulie. He was a nice guy.
We went for a few years and then Danielle didn’t want to go anymore, so we eventually stopped. But when we were going to therapy, Danielle was withdrawing more and more and she kind of knew that I was getting sexually frustrated. It would build up in me like a volcano and I would start to actually get irritable when I didn’t have enough sex, so we agreed to open up the marriage. I thought it was cool and progressive and for Danielle it took away her guilt of having to “provide” for me. So we went ENM…
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Danielle became hypersensitive about many things over therapy and I think some of it was Dr. Dick giving her bad advice. Here’s a thought, if someone is having issues with their sexuality, maybe that’s what you should address as a therapist and not put the spouse through multiple hoops to jump through and making them think that they’re the problem. I had to be perfect because if I upset Danielle too much, it may ruin the marriage. I was on edge because one small move could put us one step closer to divorce. During sessions, I was super depressed and hopeless, but then when we got home it’s like nothing bad happened at therapy and we’d get along well, snuggle at night, kiss goodnight, and I’d feel hopeful and optimistic again. Utter confusement* and extremes during our therapy abounded in my brain. I used to be optimistic. I used to be hopeful. Right now, all of that is history. There was a point when I felt like this couples therapy and Dr. Dick in particular wasn’t helping us and was in fact, hurting us. One piece of advice I have is that when your instinct is to get a new therapist… GET A NEW THERAPIST!
*not a word
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So there I was, holding back my affection in order to not put pressure on Danielle. I had to consciously not show I loved Danielle physically or mentally which would supposedly (according to Dr. Dick) allow Danielle more room to display her affection to me since the pressure would be off. I guess that makes sense. Not to me, because I like holding hands, massaging, and even coming up behind the person I love and kiss them on the back of the neck maybe while they’re making dinner. But this and other types of affection were a no-no. If this were the preface again, I would preface the preface again by saying that Danielle is an amazing mom. Out of all of this, to have created a human being like Emily is well worth all the pain and hurt I’m feeling right now. I would go through Covid again to save this marriage, but I wouldn’t give up Emily for anything and neither would Danielle. But I have to admit something. Something that I don’t like. I was jealous of Emily. Jealous because while I was holding back affection because of doctor’s orders, Danielle was showering tons and tons of affection on our daughter and it pissed me off because I wasn’t getting enough from the love of my life. I don’t need sex with Danielle all the time to make things work, but I would need some kind of sexual intimacy and some assurances, such as out of nowhere kissing me or being loving to me when I’m not upset. Ultimately, I just want to be happy at the end of the day
The energy that she’s using to keep me away seems disproportionate to the amount of affection that I’m actually giving. My response to myself in my notes was as follows;
Because that’s not who you are and that’s fine. I just don’t understand it because that’s not my nature. My nature is when I see you standing there looking good in jeans, is to go up behind you and flirt a little because I’m attracted to you. Isn’t that what you want? Sometimes spontaneous stuff?
I would think most people would want affection like this. I would think that most women would jump on the chance to have a husband desire them. But apparently to Dr. Dick and Danielle, it was too much too fast too bad Eric. My wife eventually became gay. How did my lack or abundance of affection impact this ultimately!? The answer is that it didn’t. The amount of affection did not matter. It did not turn Danielle gay so I have one thing to say to Dr. Dick. Suck it, Dr. Dick. Suck it hard. Personally, I didn’t see this as a problem which led me to these observations.
THIS FEELS LIKE A MANUFACTURED PROBLEM AND A PROBLEM THAT CAN’T REALLY BE FIXED OR NEED TO BE FIXED. I AM AN INDIVIDUAL PERSON WITH INDIVIDUAL IDEAS AND I’M SORRY IF I FEEL OUR RELATIONSHIP IS STRONG. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE FINDING THINGS THAT I WANT TO FIX, BUT I DON’T REALLY FEEL WE NEED TO. DO I WANT YOU TO BE MORE AFFECTIONETTE? SURE. BUT I CAN’T CHANGE 40 YEARS OF WHO YOU ARE. I FEEL LIKE THE PSYCHOLOGIST IS FINDING PROBLEMS FOR US TO HAVE THAT ARE NORMAL PROBLEMS FOR ANYONE WHO HAS A RELATIONSHIP. I NEVER GET ALONG WITH ANYONE 100 PERCENT OF THE TIME. SO WHY WOULD I EXPECT THAT MY LIFE PARENTER AND I WOULD GET ALONG AND BE ON THE SAME PAGE ALL THE TIME AND I THINK COMPARED TO MOST COUPLES, WE’RE REALLY PRETTY GOOD.
ALSO…
YOU WANT ME TO KNOW HOW MUCH AFFECTION TO GIVE YOU. WHEN IT’S TOO MUCH, YOU WANT ME TO KNOW. BUT YOU STILL WANT SOME SO I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHERE YOU ARE AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT IN TIME. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I PUT THOSE SAME DEMANDS ON YOU? FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH AFFECTION I WANT TO GET WHEN IT’S APPROPRIATE. THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK. I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE JUST TRY TO BE AWARE, BUT I’M NO PSYCHIC.
In hindsight, I felt like Dr. Dick was finding things to create disharmony between us so we’d continue to come to her and need her services. There wasn’t really an end plan, just for me to hold back affection and Danielle to not feel the pressure of that affection. Nothing to do with Danielle’s sexuality. To this day, I don’t get Dr. Dick’s endgame and I feel like Danielle listened to Dr. Dick too much regarding the affection portion of our relationship. Danielle was telling me at various times during the relationship when she wasn’t in the mood. We didn’t have to pay 100 bucks an hour to Dr. Dick to get a refresher.
Here are the primary sexual/romantic issues.
What can Danielle give me physically?
How does she get her libido back (that don’t include her dating other women)?
Is there something physical going on such as hormonal changes?
Would date nights help?
More vacations together (since she seemingly always is more romantic when we’re on vacation)?
This is what I would like. I would want a wife to be intimate once in a while who will make out with me or give me sexual satisfaction (sex, oral sex, hand job) out of the blue. Who will initiate sometimes. You didn’t initiate. Everything else, including you dating other women I can handle if I felt that you were into it, felt attraction to me, or showed me some physicality. Are you going to leave me when you fall in love with a woman? That’s my big fear. If I let you see other women, can you show me the attraction, physicality, or priority? Are you willing to do that with me? Do you even want to? Or are we just the dreaded F* word?
*Friends
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I could give a shout out to Covid for extending our marriage. In Covid, we had bigger fish to fry than our marriage so any problems we had were dismissed because we wanted to stay alive. However, it feels pretty fucked up to give a shout out to a deadly virus anyway so I’m not shouting out. Danielle, Emily, and I became a three person bubble and we needed each other. To live. To have some kind of semblance of order in a chaotic world. This stressful time made Danielle forget about her questioning of her sexuality for a while as the goal was to keep Emily happy and of course, live through it. On the flip side, Covid made people think about their life and their priorities and ways to keep living. Divorce rates jumped as you can see in this article.
34% percent increase in divorces from pre-covid number. That’s a big jump and I’m not happy to say that I guess we’re a part of that statistic now. Maybe covid time made Danielle think about finding herself and her true happiness. Maybe it gave her the strength and inertia to make a big decision like this. All I know, is that I would go through the dark times of Covid again if it meant that my marriage with Danielle would survive. I know that’s way selfish and I don’t want the world to go through a pandemic for my sake, so let me rephrase it. I would go through my time in Covid gladly if it meant that my marriage would work out. Better?
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Now that I’m in the dating world, I’ve noticed that people are into taking quizzes and such to see who they are compatible with. One such test is the Love Language test. There are five Love Languages.
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Physical Touch
Now this doesn’t mean that if you’re an Acts of Service Love Language and your partner is a Physical Touch love language that it couldn’t work. Quite the opposite, it will help you better understand your partner and accept their differences. All of these tests are awesome and perhaps helpful. I look at myself and I’m totally a Physical Touch Love Language*. To me, Danielle is totally an Acts of Service** Love Language and we could have made our differences become a strength based on these attributes. Sometimes however there are greater powers involved. There are more powerful things than language. Your sexuality is stronger which is why no matter what our love languages were, I would still be writing this book. A big part of the problem was the power dynamic. She had all of it and I had zero. I feel like a fan of an NBA team hoping that the top free agent was coming to the team. She’ll complain about me in therapy, but then want her neck rubbed and then when I was done massaging her, she’d say she needed space. Everything was on her terms and my terms were dismissed. How do you think I feel when I massage you, make you dinner, and treat you with as much love as I can and you say “space” or “I’m being my authentic self”*. I feel like your pet… if pets gave massages. Turn me on and off when you want. You always complained about being a caretaker, yet I’m the one doing the caretaking. Here’s an idea. Maybe I can do all this for you and then you can do things that I want. If you’re getting what you want and ask for, why shouldn’t I?
*Sounds like psychologist speak….
“Maybe there needs to be a trial separation.”
Looking back about 3 years, Dr. Dick suggested a “trial separation”. At the time, it would drive me to tears and I would adamantly say no. Now, I don’t want to give Dr. Dick any credit, but perhaps she was right on this one. Maybe a trial separation would have given Danielle time alone to figure things out more quickly. I actually saw palpable relief in you when Dr. Dick suggested it. At the time, I felt like you wanted to do it but were too afraid to do it yourself. I think you would have been happy if I agreed with it. Would you have? Maybe it was a good idea. At least, it would have given you and me more insight to what I needed to do as well. Coulda? Shoulda? But also, Emily was 10 at the time and also a small thing called Covid-19 was about to fuck it all up for the entire planet.
My ex-wife is gay and I'm flailing... 