Imagine having something on your mind pretty much 24/7 that you can’t fix.  But you constantly think about ways to fix it.  Strategies to try.  Ideas to ponder.  All different ways to make things work when little do you know, or actually little do you care to admit, that they are unfixable.  You have this hope that things will work out if you only try a little harder, change a little more, acquiesce in some other way, give a massage, do the dishes, clean the entire fucking house to lessen her stress.  It’s torture brought on by my own mind.  Are we ever going to make out again?  When are we going to have sex again?  If we aren’t going to kiss or have sex, are we eventually going to work towards kissing and having sex again?   Can I live like this?  If so, how long can I live like this.  Is there an end in sight?  Can we get back to the way it was before?  What can I do?  Eckhart Tolle wrote, “The Power Of Now*” and he would be tearing me a new one with all of these unhelpful questions and not living in the present.  Sorry, Eckhart.    

Ultimately, all of this therapy that we did in couples therapy, was not about fixing me.  It was about fixing you.  Not fixing, because nothing’s broken.  But it was about helping you on your path to find your authenticity.  I know what I want.  I know what I need.  All I wanted was a normal relationship with my wife sexually and emotionally and I was willing to do anything to get there.  You didn’t know what you wanted and this uncertainty led me on and hurt.  Your biggest mistake was not letting me go sooner.  I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.  You simply placed your feelings above everyone else’s which was necessary for you to do.  I get that.  However, I’m the personification of collateral damage from your choices and it was inevitable and my choice that I was going to suffer until you decided what to do.  I did everything I could to save this marriage.  I bit my tongue, I did what you and the therapists wanted me to do and it doesn’t mean dick.  I thought the therapy was trying to find what you wanted, not end the marriage.  You broke my heart. 

*https://smile.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577314808/ref=sr_1_1?crid=HNSRN5USK3PY&keywords=eckhart+tolle+the+power+of+now&qid=1663166848&sprefix=ecka%2Caps%2C309&sr=8-1