Hey, Dr. Dick. You want to learn about what it makes to be a good couples therapist? If you do, make an appointment with Dr. Peace. I only wish we had met Dr. Peace earlier. I know it wouldn’t have made Danielle not be gay, but we probably would have gotten to where we are now a lot quicker. I used to think couples therapy was how to make a marriage stronger. But in our case, it was an exercise in frustration. Because it wasn’t about getting us stronger, it was about Danielle figuring out what she wanted and I just had to be patient and wait. Wait for her to figure it out. So why am I here? This is her issue and not mine. If it’s not our relationship that’s bothering you, why am i here?? Dr. Peace helped me realize that Danielle needed my support. That’s all. I may not want to be at therapy, but I wanted to do it for Danielle. She earned it after being my partner and my fiercest love for twenty-three years. Dr. Peace also gave me more power about myself. That I am a great guy with or without Danielle. That I will do anything in my power to make this marriage work, but I also deserve to be with someone who is actually in love with me. She reminded me that no matter what happens, I’m giving Danielle a generous gift by sacrificing my needs for my partner. Not many partners would do that. I am also the master of my own destiny no matter what Danielle does. But there are only so many concessions that I can make in a relationship. We have already been in therapy for this long, when is it time to throw in the towel? I have to admit that every time we saw Dr. Peace, I got worried and anxious because I thought this may be the day where Danielle would leave me.
Tag: blogging
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When my marriage started to fail, I had no clue it was failing. I just thought that this is what two people who love each other do in order to improve the marriage. They go to therapy, learn how to communicate more effectively, and then problem solved. People say marriage is hard and I never felt that. Yes, it had challenges, but I (naively) thought that therapy meant we’d solve it. The guilt stemmed from the belief that it was my fault. Everything was my fault and I had to fix it in order to get Danielle back to me. For years you and Dr. Dick were telling me that I was doing something wrong but now that you’re out, why did I have to suffer all these years? It wasn’t fair. I would get slammed at therapy. Whatever I did, wasn’t good enough. I would be told by Dr. Dick to let Danielle go through her process and just listen. I was told by Dr. Dick that I was being too affectionate and social when that’s who I was in the beginning and who I was was apparently enough to attract me to you. I’m angry at you… wait… scratch that. I’m fucking pissed at you and Dr. Dick for doing this to me and Emily. When you say things like you’re not sure if you love me or that you don’t know what you want, it makes me feel crappy and resentful. All of this therapy was seemingly about me supporting you and in turn, I would be drained. You and Dr. Dick were Dracula and I was Mina Harker. You both failed me. This wasn’t good therapy. This was a bloodletting.
Another problem is that I would feel guilty about everything. I would feel guilty if I didn’t do enough and I would feel guilty if I did too much. Too little would make Danielle think I didn’t care enough and too much according to Dr. Dick would pressure Danielle. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. These feelings are not really sustainable, but I sustained for 4 ½ years of therapy, I sustained. Do I regret it? No. But I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself. Some things I was guilty about.
WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING TO HAVE A DATE NIGHT 2X A MONTH?
Dr. Dick felt that requesting this was too much pressure to put on Danielle so it was cut down to 1x a month.
WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING MY WIFE AFFECTION?
This is one that bothers me because Danielle has the ability to say no. She’s an adult. Dr. Dick didn’t want me to give too much affection due to the pressure it put on Danielle. But last I checked, Danielle does have a functional mouth that can produce speech with clarity. Also, she has the intelligence to produce such phrases as;
“I’m not in the mood”.*
She doesn’t even need to learn any other phrases. That says it all. I will stop. I cannot read minds and it’s not like I’m on Danielle 24/7. I never thought we needed to go to a psychologist for Danielle to learn how to say no to me. But Danielle had this pressure to not say no for some reason and that’s one thing I will never truly understand because I’ve accepted Danielle saying no in the past and it’s been fine. I never forced myself and never would force myself on Danielle and when told something like* I would acquiesce. For Danielle, my giving too much affection was a big deal to her. This is where alternate love languages may be a problem.
My ex-wife is gay and I'm flailing... 