I have a hole. No, not that one, you pucking ferv! I mean in my heart. In my soul. That hole. There’s an emptiness inside me where Danielle used to be. I’m trying to find ways to fill that space, but it’s really really hucking fard. Right now, dating is merely a distraction. I’m not really ready to date, I’m just going through the motions because other than my daughter, my family and friends, and this book, I have very little that fulfills me. After I met Danielle, she began construction on a place in my heart. In my heart, there was her and me. When Emily was born ten years later, another part of my heart was given to Emily. So it was the three of us in my heart. Sure, I had friends and family in my heart, but the three main compartments were for Danielle, Emily, and me. Now a part of that is gone. It’s a wound. A hole. It was half my life for 10 years and a third of my life for 13 years. I want to fill it. I need to fill it. I can’t fill it. It’s gone. It’s left a void in my life that only time (I hope) can heal. This is why I’m working out more, writing this book, happy houring with friends, Bumbling/OK Cupiding, going to therapy with Dr. Razo (so much better than Dr. Dick), attending meet up groups, and going on meaningless dates just to fill this hole that can’t be filled. Quite frankly, even with all of these things combined it does not fill 1/1,000,000th of this hole. I feel like a deckhand on the Titantic who’s trying to take the water off the deck with a bucket. Or I’m falling down a mountain and grasping for branches to hold onto, but can hold on to nothing. Thinking about our relationship is all I can do. It’s all consuming. There’s nothing. There’s no hope.
Tag: grief
-
How you are and who you are can relate to how you were raised. Family can also be a burden as well which is what Danielle had said. I don’t fully blame her because my parents were kind of financial screw ups, but what I do have to say is that you are sure calling the kettle black. Yes, my parents were screwed up financially. I remember your parents wanting me to sign a pre-nuptial agreement because my parents were so screwed up financially and they were worried that you were going to be drawn into my parent’s debt. You never were. Other issues that my family had/have were that my sister Dominique was called Dramanique for a good reason and my other siblings are people too so they have their flaws. But again, you are the pot and you’re calling that kettle black. Now, I didn’t really say any of this at the time, but this is my fucking book and I can write what I want. Here goes. Your family was fucked up too! You had a mom and a dad who were both married three times. Your mom is a slut who should have a name that rhymes with Drama as well. You and your siblings annoy me because you bemoan how your lives were thrown in upheaval with the divorce and such, but financially you had lives that 99.9% of people would have wanted. That I would have wanted. Your half-brother and half -sister complain about how hard their lives were, but look in a mirror. Your lives are not that bad. Seriously. I’m tired of hearing them complain. Wah Wah. Poor you. Not a lot of sympathy. This is what you had to deal with. In my 20s, I had to take care of my family financially. I never had my 20s and you and your siblings were all able to travel to Europe. Again. Wah Wah. Enough sympathy. Your siblings are whiners!