“DO I SAY I’M MARRIED OR IN AN OPEN MARRIAGE EVEN WHEN THIS FEELS LIKE AN OPEN FRIENDSHIP?”

Open marriage.  Polyamorous.  Ethically non-monogamous.  All of it basically meaning the same thing.  But we are not really sexual or romantic right now so how is this a marriage?  But I digress.  At first ENM is like “cool, I can date other people.”  It’s like a permanent hall pass.  It relieves Danielle of the guilt, obligation, and pressure of not wanting to be sexual and it allows me to get the intimacy that I crave.  Dr. Dick also said that seeing other women would spark Danielle to want me more*.   Win win right?  But then you realize the truth.  It’s hard.  How do you find women like this?  How do I advertise myself?  The truth is that it’s hard meeting people who are willing to do this.  Subjects like this don’t normally come up in everyday conversation so my strategy was to tell some closer friends of mine to see if they may either know someone else or at the very least have a really good conversation with them and see their eyes get big.  That strategy didn’t work very well as far as meeting someone new, but it did get me closer to some of my good friends who were remarkably supportive of me and didn’t pass the type of negative judgement that I would have expected.   *Thank you, friends.  All of you.  I couldn’t have made it through without you and I apologize for being such a sad sack when we hung out.  If you were interested in a woman, it was tricky.  You’d want them to know you’re available but you also don’t want them to think you’re a dick and just cheating on your wife.  So the conversation would ultimately go like this…

ERIC: I’m Ethically Non-Monogamous.

MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: What does that mean?

ERIC: I’m in an open marriage.

MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: What does that mean?

ERIC: My wife allows me to be married and to see other women.

MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: Whoosh**

After those lessons, it was time to hit OK Cupid (OKC).  It’s a dating app that has a more progressive mindset and you can find non-monogamy there and actually label yourself as non-monogamous.  However, the dating pool goes down significantly if you’re married and/or non-monogamous.  As I know now, being single again, there are about 50 times the amount of women looking for a monogamous partner than there are women going the non-monogamous route.   Also, the talent pool is not as… well talented and being that I didn’t have as much talent to choose from, I would date women who normally weren’t my type both physically or mentally.  Some were bigger than I liked because I’m kind of a small guy and when a woman can kick my ass, it’s not a turn-on for me.  Almost always.  Then there were those with baggage.  I mean excess baggage.   One woman had a husband in prison who was getting out soon and didn’t know about their open marriage yet.  I wanted to live.  Buh-Bye.  The most dates I went on with a woman during my non-monogamous days were three.  Ebony.  She was cute and nice and hot.  But she was kind of in the same situation as me where her husband wasn’t being intimate with her.  However, after the third date the husband apparently was getting upset about her dating and we stopped.  But the primary reason I was unsuccessful as a non-monogamist was because I was still way in love with Danielle and I didn’t and couldn’t allow myself to fall for anyone.  I didn’t want to be in an open marriage.  Why if I don’t want a non-monogamous marriage and she does, why does she get it?  Because I felt like there wasn’t a choice. 

She would also confuse me by saying things like “I want you more when you go out with other people.”  WHAT THE FUCK!!!!  Do you see why I was so messed up??  But Danielle was messed up too which is not good when both parties are mentally messed up.  Granted, my messed up was caused by the other party so I guess it all makes sense, actually it doesn’t make any sense.  Basically, I was seeing other people not to make myself happy, but to relieve my wife’s guilt.  I was making her feel better for the very things that she was causing.   This is why when I saw other people, I went in emotionally guarded and left emotionally guarded and was just there for the distraction and the physical.  I want to apologize to the women I dated during this time.  I didn’t disclose that I wasn’t emotionally available because that would have lowered the dating pool even more.  I also want to say that non-monogamy can work for a couple and to not use my situation as an example.  I feel a couple can even thrive with non-monogamy because it’s fun and exciting to have new partners.  There is a lot of NRE* that happens in non-monogamy that is awesome.  It’s like going back to the beginning of a relationship where you’re talking and on a first date they say;

NON-MONOGAMOUS WOMAN: “Shawshank Redemption is my favorite movie.”

ERIC: “Oh my God.  Me too!”.     

When you’re married, you pretty much know all this stuff, so the NRE* isn’t there but is replaced by other good stuff like comfort, memories, teamwork etc. But back to having a successful Non-Monogamous relationship.  It takes a strong couple.  A tight couple who already have a good relationship.  A couple who communicates, is honest, and makes rules that are followed by both.  This is your primary partner and you prioritize your primary partner.  If you can do that, you can have a successful non-monogamous relationship in my opinion.  Danielle and I didn’t have a strong enough relationship as primary partners to have a successful non-monogamous relationship.  She was opening up the relationship, not because she was so open minded and wanted the open marriage experience.  She felt guilty about not wanting to be with me and my being with other women put less pressure on her to be sexual.  It was kind of nice of her to try to fulfill my sexual needs, but also kind of selfish because it took the pressure off of her and it was all about her journey and made me collateral damage.  She wanted the stability of me, the love of me, the support of me, the person to snuggle with, but the sex part was a burden, so she let that go.  The problem is that I need more than a snuggle buddy and those needs I have shouldn’t be unrealistic.  The bigger problem is that I am still attracted to her and regrettably, still in love with her.

Seeing other people when our relationship is in flux doesn’t make me happy but since it makes you happy, i do it your making me feel better for things you’re causing it’s like being comforted by the person who shoots you. You’re encouraging me to go on dates because it makes you feel better about this whole situation.  A marriage only works if two people are in it together.  You aren’t in it anymore.  There’s no magic pill that makes a change.  You have to change.  But right now,  you’d rather be roommates.

Go take Ebony. I don’t want to take Ebony. I want to go with you It feels like your pawning me off to ebony because you’d rather not have to deal with me You have someone here who wants you and wants to be with you.

Yes, we were honest.  Yes, we communicated.  Yes, we loved each other.  But there was so much uncertainty with what Danielle wanted to do, that it left me and our relationship in this uncomfortable limbo. 

Ultimately, I ask, why are you doing this, Danielle?  Are you doing this to save our marriage?  Or are you simply using me as a crutch to lean on while you figure out what you want.  I think I am because the few times that you would initiate being intimate was when you felt I was drawing away.  What if I happened to say no to ENM?  I don’t really want this and I also don’t want you to do this.  I’m going out with these people because it makes you feel better because you lost your sexual desire, and you want me to be satisfied.  But again I ask, why are you doing this?  To see if you like women?  So I’m basically a placeholder until you determine what sexuality you are.  Awesome.  Just know that if you decide to be with a woman and give your affection to someone else then our relationship will probably have to change drastically because I would need affection from you if you’re giving affection to someone else.  Also, how long is this process going to take? One year?  Two?  It’s been 4 ½ already of you and I in this fucking limbo, so it would be classic Danielle to make it go another 4 ½ years. You tell me that you want me to be social and to have fun, but I’m not as happy as I usually am and have a lot on my mind so how am i supposed to be Social Eric when I’m depressed Eric?  How can I want to go to Vegas when I’m hurting.  It’s so awesome that you’re finding yourself and finding what you want, but what about me?  What about what I want?  I’m just being left behind and have been beaten down.  I realize that I can’t be half in to our relationship when it’s flailing.  I need to be in fully and need you to be in as well.  But you’re not and I’m lost.   

*Wrong again, Dr. Dick.

**That’s the sound of the Monogamous Woman headed elsewhere as fast as she could.